I changed my mind… unsettled.

I actually don’t want to stay the night where I am for Christmas Eve. I prefer being at home now.  I’m still insecure when I’m not in my own surroundings. I feel fat and I haven’t even had a massive Christmas dinner yet. I can’t go home now because I’m already changed for bed. I also had a glass of presecco so I can’t risk driving home. I miss my own surroundings and the Cats. I’m just unable to settle at the moment. Even at home I’m constantly moving around due to feeling on edge. I have to fiddle with something or walk about. I never rest properly. I don’t want to be this way but I can’t help it.

I also get completely fed up of being told to work on social skills so that I become less autistic. I wish that others could see that I don’t have the social capacity. It doesn’t matter how much I practice those skills. I won’t lose my autism. This is why there are so many suicides of those on the spectrum. Autism is an illness. It isn’t going to go away. It is inbuilt into my brain. Therefore it won’t go away. There is nothing more in the world I want than to be normal. I would give anything to be normal but that isn’t going to happen. I have accepted that I’m never going to have a fulfilling life and everyone I like will reject me as a person. I’m a waste of human flesh. I take up space where a perfectly socially functioning human being could occupy.