I’ve had many people comment on the fact that I shouldn’t be depressed because everything is starting to go better for me. It doesn’t change what happened to me. I still have the nightmares and can’t sleep. I’m still denied the help that I keep on asking the system for time and time again. I’m then judged for how things affect me. I then get people telling me to think of others at Christmas because I’m being miserable and wanting to go back to my home surroundings. I can’t make myself not miserable. I tried my hardest just to get through Christmas period but I can feel myself being upset underneath. I have always managed to go about with a smile on my face but I am getting less able to use that cover now.
I’m fed up of getting attitude off of people and being punished for how my experiences have affected me. If I could chose not to be depressed and constantly anxious then that is exactly what I’d do. Unfortunately we cannot chose how we feel about anything. I worked extremely hard to stop my son’s adoption. I couldn’t do anymore than I did within the current system. I still beat myself up telling myself I could have done more. And it’s horrible because I feel like I didn’t try hard enough due to the fact that I didn’t stop it.
Even though I know that the system is stacked against people like myself that doesn’t stop me thinking that I failed because I wasn’t ‘good enough’. I failed because I was too evil (karma reasons) to deserve anything else. I grew up thinking that if you tried hard enough then one day you’re bound to succeed. Even my Nana used to say there is no such word as can’t. That isn’t the reality though. There is too much red tape mixed with added corruptness in our system. The only people that actually get anywhere are the ones that will do the worse things to get places. I am not the type to do that but I don’t get as far as someone who will screw others over to get places in life.