It is almost half 5 in the morning. I haven’t managed to sleep all night. I just couldn’t settle. I also feel really depressed. I am not depressed about Christmas. That will be over in a few days. Christmas doesn’t help but I am extremely depressed due to everything that has happened. I can’t just ‘get over it’. I just don’t want this life. I know that I’m more fortunate than a lot of people. That isn’t a comfort when I’m not able to be in my own Son’s life and I’ll probably never see him again. Certain others are going to think I’m scum forever and it’s going to be backed up by legal documents. I don’t want that but it will NEVER end. I was unfortunate enough to be born with a form of Autism that no one understands. PDA is either labelled as a Personality Disorder, intentional bad behaviour or some other kind of mental instability. The issue of being misunderstood is extremely depressing on it’s own without everything else.
I can’t explain things clear enough so that those of us on the PDA part of the spectrum, including myself are understood and not punished for misunderstood actions. That is part of my learning disabilities and the inability/unwillingness for others to understand what I try to explain to them. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep properly until I start being understood and others meet me half way rather than punishing me for who I am. I got punished more for retaliating to how I was treated for my disability. Then others started justifying how I was treated because I retaliated. I just want things to change. That is the only way I will stop being depressed and be able to sleep properly.