Okay, maybe I am not ‘OK’.

I may have underestimated when I said that I was okay. I’ve had a Migraine for 3 days without a break now. It’s very rare for this to happen nowadays. I don’t have my heart in the decision that I made. In fact that is wanting the exact opposite. I did say that my PDA side doesn’t make it easy for me to go against what I want or need. I swear that this is what is causing the Migraine. The conflict between what I had to decide because of circumstances and what my heart wants/needs is extreme. I can’t help having this kind of reaction to the inner stress that conflict causes me. I hate this Migraine but it won’t go away because my head knows I’m lying to myself. I have no choice but to make the decision that I did because no one else in the situation wants things to change from how it is right now.

I know that it sounds absolutely ridiculous that things actually make me ill. I’m sometimes sick because of stress. The first time I ever felt a Migraine like this was a teenager during an extremely heart breaking time. I also felt like this when my Son was being put through the adoption process. I couldn’t perform as a Mother at contact or meetings because I had a constant Migraine. Painkillers don’t get rid of it because it’s an emotional response. I can’t function like this because the pain literally keeps radiating through my head. I don’t even have to feel tearful as this headache type is a sign that I am upset internally. I know that I am still upset inside. I do feel utterly betrayed by other people. I just can’t hide it in the way that I am still affected. I randomly felt traumatised when I woke up from a nap today (had to have one after waking up early). I just felt scared and if my door buzzer had gone at that moment I’d have gone into full panic mode. I’m okay but then it all hits me and then I’m a wreck.

I know that I’m getting stronger underneath after things I’ve been through but at the same time I’m still quite fragile. I don’t trust anyone. I like my own space a lot (okay normally I’m sharing my space with Cats but I mean humans). I don’t even miss forms of socialising. I can go for weeks without seeing anyone but not feel lonely. I just know that what I said I wanted the other day isn’t what I truly want and that is making me ill because of the conflict it’s causing. I know that I don’t have a hope in hells chance of getting anyone to agree with what I truly want so I had to make that decision. I don’t feel right. It’s making me ill because things still don’t sit right with me. I know deep down that there are things I never found out which would put my mind at rest if I knew. However, I can’t get those answers if communication is forbidden and no one wants to reconsider. As I have stated before no one has any intention of changing the situation that is making me have this horrendous Migraine so I’m stuck with it.