I’ve had several people check to see if I’m okay after my last entry because they know it’s not in my nature to give up on anything. I am okay but I know that I cannot win against certain other people. They are a lot more powerful than me. My opinion or what I need also means nothing to those certain others. I have done everything to prove that I’m a good person worth having as a friend. Nothing has worked and we never became friends. There is still a huge wedge in the middle of me and others in the form of a restraining order. I’ve given it 3 years and even after all that time I could not convince them not to punish me further or get them to drop the order and be friends. I don’t want to give up hope but it’s soul destroying.
I keep questioning why I’m not good enough constantly in my head. That is stressful. Then there are people being stalked and murdered by those that have shown an interest in them. I don’t want to be seen as the same type of person because that isn’t in my nature. I know how easy it is for people to assume. I’ve had a lot of assumptions made about me recently. I don’t want to be seen as things I’m not. I didn’t deserve to end up in Prison. I was merely trying to get someone else to understand and listen to me. The other person wasn’t listening to me and I couldn’t get them to see anything that I was trying to explain to them. They either got offended, annoyed with me or remained indifferent. I can’t make others understand PDA type Autism and why I acted the way that I did to start the whole situation off. Even if I do deserve a chance to be friends with certain others, they still don’t think that I’m ‘good enough’. They don’t even think I’m ‘good enough’ to help rather than decide I must be punished.
As I said previously, I am extremely tired. I have no energy left to deal with people that are too stubborn to listen or even take in what I’ve been trying to say without either laying into me or getting me into trouble. I have only love for others. I have no hateful feelings and I’d never hurt anyone on purpose. I’ve only ever said things which sounded awful when I’ve been pushed into meltdown mode. I never should have been put in the position where I got so stressed out and frustrated that I ended up in that mode. It wasn’t like I didn’t warn those around me that I was getting increasingly stressed and it was making me overwhelmed. I wasn’t heard and then got punished for the meltdown behaviour which occurred.
I’m okay. I haven’t changed as a person. I’m not losing the will to live… quite yet. I’ve learned that no one that matters listens to me. There’s no point using the energy to make others see things which they have committed to not seeing. I just get a load of crap thrown at me because others refuse to see the reality of being PDA type Autism. I only get seen as an awful and undeserving person because that is what others want to see.