I developed a thing about being clean after spending time in a Prison environment. And I was slightly the same when I lived in a residential home because some of the people surrounding me had a lot of dirty habits. It’s got to the point at the moment where I’m actually having a Bath twice a day and washing my clothes if I’ve been anywhere with them which may be dirty. I used a Supermarket toilet earlier and I actually felt sick because I could see every bit of dirt. I’m starting to not want to use public toilets. I need to do the flat but I’m staying in bed to avoid it as this means touching dirt. I’ve barely seen daylight since Monday. I can’t go on avoiding cleaning the flat because it’s going to lead me to want to get in the Bath more than I am doing to make sure I’m completely clean. It’s extremely annoying because I literally feel sick when I perceive myself as not being clean.
In general I am finding things overwhelming right now. I just wanted to scream earlier. That isn’t like me. I am not the sort of person who normally feels that everything is so intense that I have to scream. This time of year isn’t great for those of us that have lost children to forced adoption anyway. I’m hoping that I no longer feel that overwhelmed after the Christmas season has passed. I just feel sensory overloaded because there are more lights and people scattered everywhere. I even checked google feed for the local supermarket which says how busy it currently is at that time. It was literally heaving the whole day because of the time of the year so I decided just to go and hope that it didn’t feel too much. I never normally do that but I know how busy the supermarkets are at this time of the year. The other local supermarket is like a giant Car Park near Christmas because they’ve only got one exit in and out of there. They need a second exit but the residents of the housing estate next to them have objected to the proposals every time they’ve been suggested.