I can’t relax or sleep at night because I’m stressed out over certain things right now. I’m upset that due to having a disability involving the PDA nature of Autism most likely means that people will chose to punish me rather than help me. That is an awful way to have to live. There will NEVER be support there but only punishment. There will always be HATE there but not love. I’ve read so many stories this week relating to those with the PDA profile of Autism literally coming home from school as a child or work as an adult (if they’re lucky enough to get employment) actually crying and saying that they deserve to die because others have made them feel extremely bad for their issues.
I’ve been in that position. I have felt all that throughout my life. I am struggling to sleep because what I’ve read recently and experienced has started to bug me. I simply cannot rest pretending that it is completely fine to punish those of us with the PDA type behaviours. Bad behaviour is a choice. PDA behaviours are down to parts of Autism creating overloads which manifest similar to ‘bad behaviour’. They are not like a child simply trying to get their own way. There is no selfish or self gaining type of motive behind PDA behaviours. Many years have passed until recently where those of us with this type of Autism just thought that we didn’t fit the general mould of Autism. Our own community shunned us because of our associated learning disabilities and complex behavioural issues. We now have a name for the part of the spectrum which we are on after many being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (an unhelpful label which implies malicious purposeful behaviours and doesn’t encourage understanding).
If someone has a physical illness most of the time people will go out of their way to help the person. However, no one helps those of us with our types of conditions. They ignore when we are in need, punish us for trying to stand up for ourselves against those that either do not listen to us or understand our condition and worse of all bully us for having our issues. The various authorities bully us worse than the general public. The abuse of power in our cases are immense. The options that people chose aren’t helping us at all. I’m just one of many who has been left traumatised and won’t ever be completely ok again. Then I get this nagging thought in my head asking myself over and over again why I’m not deserving of help when I’ve seen that others who have punished me have helped others. That question is always going to go around my head all the time distressing me throughout my life. Why was I not good enough to help rather than punish? It’s always there for me and unless anything changes then it always will be.