Happy New Year! Hopefully 2019 is better than 2018. Reviewing my successes and failures.

We haven’t quite gone into 2019 yet in the UK. We have a few minutes before we reach next year. Happy New Year to the Countries that have already entered next year. I’m hoping that it will be much better than 2018 and many previous years. I haven’t had much luck and things have just not really gone to plan. I hope to finally learn how to control my mind rather than letting it dictate to me. However, I am not one to make new years resolutions because that adds to goals feeling like they are demands.

I saw the first Black Mirror: Bandersnatch Interactive film on Netflix last night. I remember when they were just starting to be made in 2008. They were one of the things we had to make them as part of our Media Production BTEC qualification. I’m still not really into them. I dislike the looping of the storyline which keeps taking you back to chose different outcomes. I actually find it quite annoying. I honestly thought that they’d never really become popular back when we had to produce one for our course. Video editing and camera work wasn’t my favourite part of the course. I preferred the written half of the course and drawing storyboards when it came to group work. I don’t mind working with Cameras or using video editing software but my preferred area of work is either writing scripts etc or doing artwork for things. I must have been okay at the Camera work and video editing because I got a distinction and two merits as my final grade mid 2010. Unfortunately my Father never got to see me get my grades because he passed away at the beginning of that year. I’m sure that he would be proud of what I achieved. I was never going to get all Distinctions but getting merits means your work is higher standard than those that just met the requirements to pass. Merits and Distinctions were awarded for technical abilities. That was the last time that I achieved anything in life.

2011 I had work experience at a local newspaper where I used to live down South. I made a complete hash of that because of my communication problems. It was also quite difficult to work with someone who had written an article that I found absolutely personally insulting. I had spoken to the newspaper previously about mental health and the book that I had written as a teenager. The way that they wrote it was highly offensive. I got rid of it from records by having a quiet word on the way back to his Car with the chief reporter there when I was shadowing him on a story. I had to take the book that I wrote off of the internet retail sites because of privacy issues. I’m sure that there are copies still out there because there was about 500 copies sold over about 5 years.  I think I may have given a few copies away too. It was never going to be a profitable book and I feel that I was a little too honest in it which backfired on me. But when we’re young we do naïve things before we find out what horrors life can throw at us.

Since then I had my Son in 2012. We all know that was a complete disaster because he ended up being forcibly adopted by 2014 after being in foster care since he was 8 weeks old. University didn’t work out in 2014. I managed to get my GCSES (English C, Sociology B, Psychology C, Biology [GCSE] and Law B) between 2015 to and 2018. I managed to improve my Maths level up from entry level 3 to level 1. I entered my artwork into the Letter in Mind – A way with colour exhibition to help the charity ‘The National Brain Appeal’ in London in 2018. Won two Chiristmas card competitions hosted by Autism charities when I was younger and more recently. Spent my Summer in Prison because of my social screw ups. I think I’ve covered the wrap up of successes and failures. If I’ve forgotten anything it’s too late because it’s officially midnight now!

Lack of proper sleep again / Sorting out my clothes.

I am literally falling asleep at the keyboard. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I managed to get a few bits done this morning until the vacuum cleaners malfunctioned again. I popped down the Supermarket for no more than an hour to get a few bits. I then came back to a card for a parcel that had been left with a neighbour on the other side of the block. Luckily the person dropped it around a few hours later because I don’t know them. I was a little apprehensive to go ring the door buzzer when I had no idea who lived at that number. I am used to the faces that go in and out of here but not who lives at specific numbers. Anyway my new Onesie has now made its way back to mine eventually. I’m not really treating myself. I am replacing my other Onesie that is very worn on the sleeves to the point where the fabric is starting to peel. I have wore it for over two years to the point where it is now fading and falling to pieces/thinning. I don’t see the point in buying new things until the other things need replacing. It is just a waste. I’m happy with a few rotations of day clothing and PJs. I don’t want a huge wardrobe of clothing.

I already need a massive clear out of the clothes I no longer wear due to them being far too large or teenager type styles. I have to start dressing for my age. I won’t be able to get away with wearing clothes from my teenage years by my late 30s. I want to look like a grown woman rather than a teenage girl. I can fit into some of the clothes I had as a teenager but I’m not keen on them any longer. I will miss my purple jeans but they are worn to the point where they’re peeling on the seams going down the legs. I loved them jeans so much but it’s time to send them to be recycled. There are places which take second hand clothes to recycle which actually pay you a small amount for them. I’d rather they be recycled than just thrown away. The undamaged clothes could be given to a charity which donates clothes to the homeless or those in third world countries. I’m going to give my warmest Coat to a homeless charity after I’ve replaced it. It is very thick and will keep someone warm during the Winter. If we have a Winter like last year then they’ll need a Coat like the one I’m about to give away after I’ve got a new one. There’s nothing wrong with it. I am replacing it more because of memories I have associated with my current Coat. I want to get rid of things that remind me of my teenage years because they weren’t pleasant. It is a way of moving on from the pain of the past. The same with some of my other clothes that I have from back then. It is all about changing things so that there are less reminders of unpleasantness. I’m going to be decorating my flat which hopefully will get rid of some of that unpleasantness too.

I need to go now because the vacuum cleaners need unblocking again… for like the millionth time. I was going to get more done in regards to cleaning the flat today but I don’t have the energy due to not sleeping last night. One day I will manage to reset my sleep pattern but it is difficult when you are traumatised over things. The worse time for PTSD like symptoms is the middle of the night. I can’t sleep after waking up from a nightmare. I am unable to settle enough to get back to sleep. I hear a noise and I’m on edge so easily any time of the day or night. It is worse when you literally worry about getting enough sleep at night because then you’re likely to get even less sleep or sometimes none at all. Mimi has now decided to sit on one of my arms so I’m now typing one handed. Both of the Cats are laying next to me. I would love to be able to sleep as easily as a Cat seems to drop off for a snooze.

I’ve made a few changes on here. And ATU’s (Autistic Treatment Unit) experience.

Firstly, some of the blog posts have been deleted because of others objecting to me mentioning things on here. Secondly, my Twitter and Facebook profile is now set to friends only. That doesn’t mean that others have permission to freely add me. If I say no then it’s a no you cannot add me. I have to approve the requests before anyone can follow me on Twitter for instance. I’m also not being so open anymore since discovering how people referred to me between each other. I feel extremely awful for things that have happened. I already feel guilty without input from others. I feel things and I’ve also heard a vast amount of things. That has made me completely confused on top of being emotionally affected by everything.

I’m not going to try to make friends again because I don’t have the social skills and there is no guarantee that I’ll ever master those skills. Asperger/Autistic people can learn them but when you add learning disabilities and slight brain damage (from my accident and being treated with medication for epilepsy unnecessarily as a child – common knowledge already) into the mix it complicates things. I can tell by how I feel that making my brain do stuff is not going to be an easy task. I get tired trying to stop it making stupid decisions on a daily basis. I feel like I’m battling it 24/7. I have tried to explain this to people like my GP and Psychiatrists in the past but they just tell me to go away and deal with it myself. People wonder why I’m so exhausted even when I’ve slept properly (rarely but it does occasionally happen). I’m battling my brain to try to be ‘normal’ every single day of my life. Masking is also tiring. That is why I go out less now and don’t do socialising because it’s a huge effort to mask and stop my brain ruining things. I like my own company more than I used to do. I would rather spend time doing things on my own which doesn’t cause sensory overload. I don’t have to deal with demands or fight my brain if I avoid certain things and do things which don’t feel like I’m being overwhelmed. The tinted glasses I got helps when it comes to getting overloaded by light but not noises. 

Until PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance Autism) is properly recognised, as well as supported appropriately by councils country wide then this is how I have to live my life. Most of those with this type of Autism are being admitted to ATU’s (Autistic Treatment Units) nowadays. I’ve already been in one as a teenager. I’m still in touch with those that I met in that place. They have all been left with a negative outlook on life. We were all drugged up on antipsychotics despite Autism not being classed as a mental illness. I don’t think much has changed at these ATU’s from what I’ve heard from Parents who are campaigning to get their children (teenagers and grown adults) out of that kind of system.

I was never completely happy as a child/teenager but after being in one of those places I became chronically stressed and miserable. That has stayed with me even since I got out of the residential home I was sent to after the ATU. I gained a lot of weight. I went in there weighing approximately 8 and a half stone (10-12 size). I came out of there at 14 and a half stone (16 size). I’m only built small at 5 ft 2 and a tiny shoe size 3. That is a hell of a lot for someone of my size in just 2 years. I no longer like people touching my possessions because of being in residential home living with another girl who just walked into my room to borrow stuff without asking. She didn’t know that this was wrong despite me telling her to ask me first before just taking stuff. That is why I am quite understanding and will put up with a lot before I suddenly snap. We had to live together somehow so I kind of became resilient to most things. It’s different when you’re constantly kicked down because to me that is something I’ll never build a resistance towards.

I just get extremely wound up when things repeatedly go wrong. I just feel like I never seem to actually have any actual good luck. I have had so much more bad luck. I wish it could be more balanced. I have always been in the wrong place at the worse times. It’s like I have an actual talent for that and being completely socially inept. I don’t know how I can actually use those talents for anything positive or to go places in life. I’m clumsy in general. I am someone who can fall over their own feet completely sober. I certainly can’t act sober when I’m drunk because I can barely walk in a proper straight line when I haven’t drank alcohol. I was never any good at playing Sports because of my lazy eye. I cannot see things in an exact alignment. I’m okay driving but if someone throws a ball towards me I certainly I probably wouldn’t catch it. I will probably need glasses all the time when I’m older but luckily at the moment I only need them for reading etc.

At the moment I’m not up to doing a lot. I can’t even be bothered to straighten my hair. It’s a thick matted mess right now. I put in it a plait before I went to bed but that’s as much as I feel like doing to it right now. I’m just worn out and just want to have a break from life. I just need time out to get over things that have happened. I don’t feel like I have the energy to go onto anything new because I’ll just crumble and end up not engaging due to how depressed I am. I used to have a spark but that is well and truly gone now. I don’t feel that it will ever be reignited. How can it be if I continue to remain this exhausted even when I actually sleep? I don’t feel like I deserve any happiness because of everything that I am feeling guilty for doing in the past. I look at myself in the mirror and hate everything I see in front of me. I don’t see anything that is not evil in me. I know that I’m going to whatever is hell when my life is over. It’s too late to change my final destination now at the age I’ve reached. I have sealed my fate throughout my life so far even if I never actually meant to do things. 

I can’t sleep. I feel soul destroyed right now.

I can’t sleep because quite honestly I am absolutely fed up of people turning out to be shits. I’m not lying but I don’t have the full facts due to being kept in the dark about everything that has gone on behind my back. I can’t talk to anyone because I’m afraid of getting accused of things. This is why I don’t go out socially. I’m too retarded to know I’m in a dangerous situation which others would see before they got screwed over. I do not feel safe from potential accusations. I don’t even feel safe in my own home now because I have no witnesses in case I get accused of anything. I am very afraid of other people now because of everything that happened. I need to get away from my past and never talk about it again so that I’m not judged negatively. It was a mistake to be so open but I didn’t know that previously. I just want to be alone where no one can hurt me in any way anymore. I’m tired all the time because emotionally most of my life has been extremely difficult. I can never truly rest without nightmares waking me up. I am traumatised but the mental health system doesn’t take any notice of my emerging PTSD symptoms. They don’t even recognise pda type autism. How am I suppose to make progress if the required help isn’t available? I’m stuck in this hole of being traumatised and it’s a living hell. 

Disastrous day :(

I didn’t sleep until 6am because I was talking to several people online. I then didn’t wake up until about 4pm. I totally forgot the doctors appointment that I had this afternoon. That is the 3rd time I’ve missed an appointment which could mean they ask me to find a new GP. I’m hoping that when I explain my sleep issues they’ll make an exception but I will have to phone them about my absences. And, to top it all off, my Lucozade Orange drink spilt on my car’s floor after it tipped over while I was driving. I’m glad I stayed up talking to others last night because I found out something that now explains everything that happened. The person I melted down in front of in a meeting at the University was the Head of Security. Everyone but me seemingly knew that you’re out if you upset him. I wasn’t given a heads up by anyone at that time. I wish I’d have known that then. I couldn’t hold my meltdown in so it probably wouldn’t have made much difference either. I’d gone passed the point of keeping calm by the time I ended up in front of that one. Apparently he was quite high up in the Police in this area. I knew that everyone seemed to act like they feared something but I didn’t know what it was actually about. I could feel things intuitively. I always knew there was something.

Also, I’m sorry but I don’t fear this person. Technically this is more than about what happened at the University. This person was in a top position within the County Police when I was labelled a criminal for challenging them as a teenager. This information is key to not just sorting out my present issues but even things that have happened in my past. This piece of information is something that I can use to go through the proper channels to sort out the past. There has always been extremely powerful intimidating figures in positions of authority in this area.

Everything does happen for a reason because this person fits into the jigsaw puzzle within my past because of their former position. If none of this didn’t happen then I’d never have found these key details out in the process. I’m not going to reveal my sources. I need to start building a legal case to officially put a stop to the cover ups and other horrendous crap that happened in this local area under this specific person. If I’m going through the proper legal channels then they cannot get me into trouble. Seriously, I have nothing to lose because I lost my son to adoption, the person that I really wanted to be friends with will always hate me and I’ve already been to Prison. It shouldn’t go wrong if I’m going through the legal routes. I will probably never work because no one will employ me due to the criminal label. If I can fix the past then things like the restraining order being in force won’t bother me so much. I will happily disappear now because sorting my past out is a lot more important to me than fighting constantly over the order. Yes it keeps me awake at night and I get nightmares but going back over it isn’t helping. I wish it had all been different. I’m sorry but I’m clumsy enough to keep making it worse.