Today has felt like several days together.

I’m already in bed because today has felt very long. I just want to chill out and at least try to go to sleep earlier. The Cats are currently not getting on well since Mimi returned from her trip to the Vets. Mister keeps hissing at Mimi. I don’t think she smells normal to him yet. It happened last time she went to the Vets to be spayed. They get over it in a few days. Mimi isn’t taking it too badly but looks a bit confused when Mister growls at her. She has had 3 teeth removed because they’d gone rotten. I don’t understand how because they barely get given treat snacks. They eat reasonable cat food rather than crap. Maybe she is just unlucky because Mister’s teeth is alright.

Dave (cat) has tried to come in my flat several times today. He seems to want to move in again. I let him in but he comes and goes. Mister won’t let him be here permanently. Dave is used to being a drifter cat because he walks in and out of a lot of people’s flats around here. He comes to my car when I get home and follows me to my door. I managed to get him to let me put flea stuff on him because he was eating at the time (he doesn’t let people near him often without growling and lashing out).

I’m always so jumpy now. I feel absolutely stupid when I get scared by the slightest noise. It feels like I’m being over sensitive. I hate nightmares. I wish that I could just sleep through a night without waking up because of dreams. A lot of them aren’t nightmares but confusing. They still wake me up which means I never get my sleep pattern set properly. I still feel all over the place. I spent years being unaffected by things that had happened in my life but now it has started affecting me more than ever before. I can barely function on a daily basis  in always tired and can’t get anything done. I feel like being traumatised is wasting my life. I will never be doing relationships like this because I don’t trust people. I cannot relax enough go have any kind of reasonable life. I am trying my best but it never seems good enough to be accepted by others. Then the thought of being seen as some kind of stalker or dangerous is distressing for me. There is so much misunderstanding of the pathological demand avoidance type of autism and so many true life horror stories out there which doesn’t help my behaviour issues not being misjudged. I couldn’t harm a fly and it causes me so much distress when others think that I could be intentionally malicious.

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