Today has felt like several days together.

I’m already in bed because today has felt very long. I just want to chill out and at least try to go to sleep earlier. The Cats are currently not getting on well since Mimi returned from her trip to the Vets. Mister keeps hissing at Mimi. I don’t think she smells normal to him yet. It happened last time she went to the Vets to be spayed. They get over it in a few days. Mimi isn’t taking it too badly but looks a bit confused when Mister growls at her. She has had 3 teeth removed because they’d gone rotten. I don’t understand how because they barely get given treat snacks. They eat reasonable cat food rather than crap. Maybe she is just unlucky because Mister’s teeth is alright.

Dave (cat) has tried to come in my flat several times today. He seems to want to move in again. I let him in but he comes and goes. Mister won’t let him be here permanently. Dave is used to being a drifter cat because he walks in and out of a lot of people’s flats around here. He comes to my car when I get home and follows me to my door. I managed to get him to let me put flea stuff on him because he was eating at the time (he doesn’t let people near him often without growling and lashing out).

I’m always so jumpy now. I feel absolutely stupid when I get scared by the slightest noise. It feels like I’m being over sensitive. I hate nightmares. I wish that I could just sleep through a night without waking up because of dreams. A lot of them aren’t nightmares but confusing. They still wake me up which means I never get my sleep pattern set properly. I still feel all over the place. I spent years being unaffected by things that had happened in my life but now it has started affecting me more than ever before. I can barely function on a daily basis  in always tired and can’t get anything done. I feel like being traumatised is wasting my life. I will never be doing relationships like this because I don’t trust people. I cannot relax enough go have any kind of reasonable life. I am trying my best but it never seems good enough to be accepted by others. Then the thought of being seen as some kind of stalker or dangerous is distressing for me. There is so much misunderstanding of the pathological demand avoidance type of autism and so many true life horror stories out there which doesn’t help my behaviour issues not being misjudged. I couldn’t harm a fly and it causes me so much distress when others think that I could be intentionally malicious.

Barely slept last night and it has literally set the tone for the day. 2018 can’t go quick enough!

I tried to sleep last night but I couldn’t because I was restless. I go out to my Car this morning to take Mimi to the Vets. I realised that I hadn’t looked at the right part of my Car when I went into the bollard the other day. I had a quick look in the dark. I never used my Car yesterday which meant that I didn’t notice anything until today. The bumper that I had repaired early this year now has a massive crack down it and part of my light is broken. I’m hoping that my light still works because it will be getting dark when I have to pick up Mimi later. I have been very unlucky with this Car. I never had as many bumps in my old Car.

I inherited a Car off of family which is why I sold the other one. This current one has been nothing but unlucky. More costly repairs at the garage and more bumps and scrapes. I hope that the bumper can be sealed rather than having to replace the whole thing again. It costs nearly £500 to replace the whole bumper. The annoying thing is that it has damage to the part which was damaged before when I got the bumper repaired. The same side but slightly more on the corner than it was when it first got damaged. I didn’t even do that last bit of damage. I had my Car vandalised by a drunken pensioner with a walking stick when they had an argument with someone I had with me at the time. I wasn’t even aggressive to them but they took it out on my Car.

2018 has been an awful year for me. It hasn’t been great for me since my Son was taken for a forced adoption in 2013. However this year has by far been the worst for being constantly knocked down by something before recovering from the last thing. I am traumatised by everything I’ve been through even before this year was a constant kick in the face. I can barely sleep because I always feel the trauma at night most of the time. I do feel anxious constantly but the dreams I have (more like nightmares) and how I wake up startled at any noises is the worse part. I can’t remember last time I have actually had a decent nights sleep. I can’t remember what it’s like not to feel tired. I have forgotten what it is like to actually feel relaxed. I haven’t even felt truly ‘happy’ for years. I may put on a smile but that is just a mask. I got used to being smiley when I was unhappy. That is now what I do to cover how I’m truly feeling from the outside world. I’m hoping that 2019 will be a lot better than this year. There is still time for something else to go wrong as we have 4 weeks left of this year.