I think I’m ready…. well I hope I am. / 13 years we were trying to expose what is coming out now.

I have everything ready just to get up and go out to the tribunal tomorrow morning. I can’t be any more ready than I am currently. I just have to sleep tonight. That isn’t going to be easy. I don’t want to be nervous but I am because there is a lot at stake. I have had to wait for this tribunal date for months. I only got this date without having to keep waiting on the never ending list because I opted for an urgent hearing based on my financial circumstances. There was no indication of how long the list was going to be for the hearing while on the waiting list. I was told it was a 13 week wait in July when I asked them about it. I’d already been waiting since March. I honestly do not think it’s fair to have vulnerable people waiting on lists everywhere. I just want to get tomorrow done. I’m hoping that it works but if I happen to be in the 20 something percent that doesn’t get PIP awarded at the Appeal Tribunal then I guess this means that I’m one of the unlucky ones. 60 something percent of people have got PIP after their DLA was discontinued during the change over which is over half of those that have taken it to the appeal.

I have learned not to get my hopes up over anything in life. I start to settle down and things seem to fall apart. I think I’m safe from a massive let down but then one just happens when I’m about to relax. I literally cannot relax because something else comes to bite me when I least expect it. I even get things biting me in the ass when I am behaving myself.

On that subject of getting bitten on the ass by things that seem to continually blow up in my face…. all these things coming out about Autism and the way that individuals have been treated on the spectrum have actually been happening for many years. When the likes of myself tried to expose it when I was a teenager (13 ish years ago) we were ignored. They discredited all of us by any means. I’m not the only one who has experienced many tactics to shut me up or discredit me. Subsequently we were labelled negatively and everyone saw us as an awful person. Hopefully now these recent things have started to come out of the woodwork we will finally be seen as decent people who were only trying to do the right thing but had mud thrown at us by the system trying to hide these things which were going on. I need that to happen because all these negative labels has really affected how I feel about myself. I see myself as evil because of the labels I’ve been given. I look in the mirror hating myself every day because I just see an evil person. It got into my head. I just want to be seen as the person that I am without those labels or misinterpretations of who I am.

I can’t sleep :(

I cannot sleep tonight. I’m not looking forward to the PIP appeal tribunal tomorrow. I just want to get it over because most of this year has been spent waiting for it. It’s felt like a stressful ordeal. It’s hard enough being disabled without having to justify why this means you should be entitled to financial support. Dealing with others attitudes and views about my autistic traits is challenging enough without that. At least if you’re in a wheelchair you don’t have the added worry of being sent to Prison due to your disability.

I’m also not able to rest after what’s happened.  This is a PDA thing which I have previously tried to explain but others didn’t listen to me. Technically things staying the way they remain causes me psychological stress. It makes me ill. I have problems sleeping. Extreme anxiety. This stops me from being able to function. I’m not saying it because I want to be annoying. I was saying it because things that happened were damaging me. I can’t just get over it because things have caused lasting damage to me. The situation with the order etc has to be fixed otherwise I keep being unable to sleep, anxious and can’t function in everyday life. It isn’t about getting what I want. I actually have a need for it to be lifted and things smoothed over so that it doesn’t make me ill anymore.