Today has felt like a very long day. Relationships… they really aren’t for me.

According to my phone I had 10 hours sleep last night including this morning but I don’t feel as if I’ve had that much. I’ve felt like I’ve struggled through tiredness today. Also, I dislike it when others tell me that they’re not looking for a relationship and then suddenly they announce that they are in one. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but I fancied the guy in question. He told me that he only wanted friends right now because he’d been through a hard time and I accepted that. I just feel that my age goes against me because the guy was older. I wish that others didn’t see me as young. Inside I’m not a youngster in my mind. I am more advanced than many women my age. I can do 10 to 20 years older with no issues. Also when people talk about me having a child like immature streak… can I just point out that those a lot older than me can also be immature. I’m actually more mature than a few of those I know who are older than me.

This is beside the point. I wish that others wouldn’t lie to me. I’d rather someone blatantly said that they’re sorry but I’m just not their type or that they don’t fancy me. I’m not going to seek revenge or do anything stupid. Those rumours aren’t entirely true about me. I have acted quite crazy when I have been emotionally hurt but since I have been to Prison I am a lot more chilled. I was taught how to do this by the other inmates who had also ended up there because they let anger get the better of them. I just want people to be honest with me. I have no problem with being friend zoned. In my eyes being put in that zone is better than others cutting me off because of parts of my Autism which drive them mad. The guy that I fancied didn’t cut me off but he was obviously on the market for a relationship but didn’t find me attractive in that way.

I like being single. I’m not wanting to jump into a relationship. I’m much to used to single life. I don’t have any desire to change my status. I can’t say that I’m happy being single because it is a lonely life. I do however accept that I’m suppose to be in that position. I don’t have ‘the one’ waiting out there for me. I’m nobodies ‘one’. They say that everyone is a twin soul or has a soul mate but I am pretty certain that I do not have one. I feel that my soul is disconnected destined to travel alone throughout it’s earthly existence and beyond. I’ve always felt that throughout my life. I don’t feel that this is my Autism part telling me I’ll never find a partner due to how it affects me. I’m quite sure that it is a destiny thing because every time I try to change the path my plans get destroyed. Everyone I’ve ever wanted in my life has made some form of exit, either through circumstances or choice. I tried to have a child and he was taken away from me for adoption. I can never settle or establish absolutely anything because it’s like I’m not supposed to have that kind of existence.