I honestly have no faith that this entry will change anything. But I wish that others understood how their actions affect individuals with PDA type autism. I have read an email earlier basically being punished for past PDA melt downs when I was going through difficult situations. I feel discriminated against and it’s deeply upset me. That then triggers trauma from other negative experiences. There is absolutely no peace in your own mind. I am not even being put to sleep by my medication tonight. Instead I just cry, feeling lost and rejected. That is the PDA existence because we are freaks in the eyes of others. No one gets how constant anxiety takes its toll because it’s exhausting. How avoiding melt down mode is virtually impossible. The increasingly intolerant society that we are living in is making it impossible to function in this society. I have an intense fear of that intolerance now because it might cause me personal harm. I don’t often put my raw feelings on here but I feel it’s important to spell out how things that others do or say make us feel. I don’t think I will settle tonight because my anxiety is high. I feel emotionally worn out. I cannot cope with the demands that others punish me for breaking. Then I hate myself for not having those abilities. To the point where I convince myself I’m evil because of other people’s misconceptions around behaviour issues. I get very upset and I take everything so personally when I feel judged by others. It leaves permanent trauma marks on me mentally. I feel the trauma on a daily basis. I don’t want the future PDA kids having to live this trauma because the intolerance isn’t challenged or dispersed by the time they reach adulthood.