Day: November 17, 2018

I have felt like crap all day because I caught a cold which I was trying to avoid all week. I have a sore throat and they normally stay with me for 2 weeks or more. This is merely the beginning. I don’t know what it’s going to turn into yet. It doesn’t feel too bad right now but it might be totally different by tomorrow. I don’t feel too great now and I only woke up with the start of it today. The key to coping with colds or flu is to be as relaxed as possible. If I get stressed with them I seem to end up fighting the virus and it ends up causing me much more symptoms that make me feel so much worse. I have had a runny nose months before this cold came on so I am preparing myself for it to be completely attacking me within the next few weeks. It doesn’t help that it’s coincided with my monthly visit.

I don’t feel very comfortable and certainly not attractive right now. I just have to sit tight and wait for both the cold and monthly visit to work its way through me. I’m feeling sore in many places right now. I managed to go for a short walk this evening but I have been fighting tiredness all day. I got everything finished which I needed to do but it felt like an uphill struggle. I still don’t feel comfortable but I’m hoping sleep helps a bit. I’m not even able to think properly being ill and tired. My brain just wants to shut down and rest while I get physically repaired. It is like my body can’t multi task with my brain if I’m ill. I don’t know if anyone else gets that or I have a certain way my brain functions when there are too many connections when it comes to having multiple health issues occurring. It has zapped my energy quit badly today.

Then to top the whole day off I accidentally knocked my favourite drinking glass off of the side of the sink area in my Kitchen. It smashed all over the floor which I had to pick up quickly because I don’t want the cats to get hold of any broken glass. I broke the other glass by accident too, they came as a pair. That was my last one. I am quite clumsy. I went dizzy sweeping the glass up. I am glad today is over and I just get to rest now.

I honestly have no faith that this entry will change anything. But I wish that others understood how their actions affect individuals with PDA type autism.  I have read an email earlier basically being punished for past PDA melt downs when I was going through difficult situations. I feel discriminated against and it’s deeply upset me. That then triggers trauma from other negative experiences. There is absolutely no peace in your own mind. I am not even being put to sleep by my medication tonight. Instead I just cry, feeling lost and rejected. That is the PDA existence because we are freaks in the eyes of others. No one gets how constant anxiety takes its toll because it’s exhausting. How avoiding melt down mode is virtually impossible. The increasingly intolerant society that we are living in is making it impossible to function in this society. I have an intense fear of that intolerance now because it might cause me personal harm. I don’t often put my raw feelings  on here but I feel it’s important to spell out how things that others do or say make us feel. I don’t think I will settle tonight because my anxiety is high. I feel emotionally worn out. I cannot cope with the demands that others punish me for breaking. Then I hate myself for not having those abilities. To the point where I convince myself I’m evil because of other people’s misconceptions around behaviour issues. I get very upset and I take everything so personally when I feel judged by others. It leaves permanent trauma marks on me mentally. I feel the trauma on a daily basis. I don’t want the future PDA kids having to live this trauma because the intolerance isn’t challenged or dispersed by the time they reach adulthood.