Can’t hide my anxiety anymore. It is noticeable to others during communication.

I had to make a phone call to the Over-payments department of the DWP today. I am not the best at making phone calls at the best of times. I was extremely anxious today though because at the moment I have that anxiety level constantly. The person on the other end could hear that I was anxious. I’ve never not been able to hide it from those around me. I knew that things would get to me eventually make me noticeably affected. I can’t mask very easily anymore. I find it irritating because I literally cannot stop talking out of nerves. I become as I have been in writing when I just can’t shut up. That used to be the only area where my anxiety was actually noticeable to people. I occasionally got anxious when talking to others but never this much. I know that it is only a natural thing after going through so much in such a short time but I still don’t want to be this way.

The fact that I have to go to the tribunal for my PIP appeal in a few weeks isn’t making me feel settled at all. I’ve had to represent myself in the past when it came to trying to stop my son’s adoption. It will bring back memories. I know it’s not the same court and it’s most likely a room rather than a court setting. It doesn’t really put me at ease though. I’m finding it hard to sleep already. Others are trying to tell me that I have this sorted because I managed to navigate myself through the system after the council stopped my support services. I only read the letters and guidelines trying my best to follow information that I find too complex to understand. I then hoped that I’d got it right. Sometimes I just have to admit defeat when it comes to certain things conflicting with my learning disabilities. For instance, my Maths level 2 qualification. There is no way that I will probably ever pass the GCSE even if I scrape through level 2. I have tried extremely hard to pass it for a few years. I haven’t really failed if I’ve at least tried.

I pulled a lot of my hair out due to anxiety last night. Luckily I have thick hair so it only looks thinner. I haven’t done that in a long time. I used to twist it when I was anxious quite a lot. I try not to now because it breaks the ends off and it won’t grow long. I have put coconut oil on the ends of my hair and put it up. It will need washing soon but I’m trying to not wash it more than once a week because it will go dry.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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