Today has been long! Revision and being an outsider by circumstances.

I got up about half 7 today because I couldn’t get back to sleep. I took my medication at a decent time for a change. I had done everything I had to do by 10 this morning. I had to post something for the tribunal and have my eyebrows done in the city.  I had a nap later today because I started doing Maths practice to work up to passing the GCSE level. I was too tired to think so I had to nap. It’s going to be challenging to try to pass but I’m going to have to try because I need it. I’m not attending classes right now because I’m not up to it right now. I can learn more on my own and if I am really stuck then I can pay for tuition for the help in the areas that are causing me issues. It’s the easiest thing to do rather than attending a class covering all areas which isn’t going to help my weak points. I need the one to one on the weak points of this subject. I have to be shown and see examples until I understand how to work something out. I need a year out of formal education and to learn at my own speed. I can do it at my own pace as long as I’m okay by the Exam date. I can also retake again at a later date if I don’t pass the Summer ones. I’m only doing the Foundation tier but learning the higher Maths to ensure that I pass the subject. I got my Law GCSE certificate (grade B) the other day from the college where I took the Exam.

Also, I get irritated at not really fitting anywhere. I tried to join a social networking group for women without Children. Due to the fact that I have a child, regardless whether he was adopted and I’m probably never going to have anymore children due to circumstances, apparently I don’t meet the criteria. It is hard for me to hang around with others who have Children because I know that this will never be a part of my life. When I had my son it was my one and only chance. I may physically be able to have another but I don’t have enough faith in our system not to take subsequent children from me. They can just walk in again and again after they’ve taken a person’s first child.  Others around here have had several children before they could keep any and were younger than I am now. Some of those never got to keep any of those children. I can’t put myself through what I went through again. I don’t know how the other women could do it that may times. I don’t want to be friends with people who have children because it reminds me of what I might have had if my son had stayed with me. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again and I’ll have to live my life like I decided never to have children. I have to make it seem like not having children was my own choice so that I don’t feel like it was enforced by those in social services.