This is stress!

Others talk about stress but they have absolutely no idea what it actually is or how stressful it is to be different. It’s like being in a combat zone but not a straight forward one. You’re constantly dealing with other people’s judgments from all over the place as well as officials giving their opinions on aspects of your disability. It’s horrible. I won’t get over it that quickly because it’s ripped me apart. I’ve got punished for kicking back at them but no one is going to not rise to constant crap by the authorities. If you’ve had it since you were young then it becomes too much.

I have done a lot of things but I have never had official employment because no one thinks I’m worth paying due to having a disability. I can see why people are quite reluctant to be open about their diagnosis because no one takes you seriously unless they want to punish you for kicking back at the way you’ve been treated. I’ve spent my life being invisible and people using me for what they can get out of me. I’m a person underneath my disability and I can’t be retrospectively not open about it because it’s common knowledge now. I won’t ever be good enough for some people because of my label. It has put me under constant stress and now it’s taking it’s toll on me.

One response to “This is stress!”

  1. I can empathise. Even before the autism diagnosis, I found the same problem even if there was just an inkling that depression had been a thing: they no longer saw a professional with an interesting CV, just a potential problem. Having said that, by that time most of the “they” in question were London’s banking sector who had by that time hoovered up much of the IT industry and therefore probably not the sort of people I would want to work for anyway. And working for the wrong people can be its own sort of hellish experience.

    But now with several years off I’m probably almost unemployable. But is that a problem? By far the happiest (and best paid!) people I worked with were the freelancers who could clock off at 5pm and that was it. They closed the door and left behind what little of the office politics they had to endure, and the office politicians knew they had to keep it that way otherwise they’d walk. Also none of that nonsense about working late without pay and ISTR the interview process was a lot less cumbersome and generally snotty. That’s probably the best option for people like us now… but I guess my point is it was probably also the best option for me then, but I never took it. Which in hindsight was a mistake.


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