Day: November 2, 2018

Others talk about stress but they have absolutely no idea what it actually is or how stressful it is to be different. It’s like being in a combat zone but not a straight forward one. You’re constantly dealing with other people’s judgments from all over the place as well as officials giving their opinions on aspects of your disability. It’s horrible. I won’t get over it that quickly because it’s ripped me apart. I’ve got punished for kicking back at them but no one is going to not rise to constant crap by the authorities. If you’ve had it since you were young then it becomes too much.

I have done a lot of things but I have never had official employment because no one thinks I’m worth paying due to having a disability. I can see why people are quite reluctant to be open about their diagnosis because no one takes you seriously unless they want to punish you for kicking back at the way you’ve been treated. I’ve spent my life being invisible and people using me for what they can get out of me. I’m a person underneath my disability and I can’t be retrospectively not open about it because it’s common knowledge now. I won’t ever be good enough for some people because of my label. It has put me under constant stress and now it’s taking it’s toll on me.

I have been out this morning.  By the time I had been for my eye test and food shopping I was completely worn out. I’m typing this in bed on my mobile because I feel so wiped out! I’ve never felt this tired in my life. I’m fed up of not getting barely anything done. The housework has gone south completely because I get tired to the point where it hurts to stay awake. I have to go for regular naps. I find it irritating because it’s never looking done. Depression and feeling crap is bad enough without your surroundings looking grubby. It makes me feel worse. I do try very hard to fix it when I have the energy but I get tired too much to sort out things properly.

I got my Nightwish concert ticket through the post today. The time I purchased it early this year I would have been buzzing and looking forward to it. But now I feel nothing because I don’t feel that I’m able to go. I won’t be able to not get overly anxious. I really wanted to go to a concert. I’ve never been to one before. I guess I will have to wait until I’m ready, maybe I never will be.

I’m exhausted so I’m going to sleep for a bit. I just can’t manage a longer blog entry today.