Reflecting before trying to get to sleep.

After the freak helicopter crash outside the King Power Stadium tonight I feel like we should reflect on life. I’m not religious. Anyone that knows me will know that I think religion is just a cause of conflict. However, incidences like what happened tonight and all that is going on in the world illustrates how short life really is for us. I don’t want to spend my life affected by what happened to me and spend any time hating others for what I’ve seen as their shortcomings. It’s not worth it. I’m not being morbid here but any of us could lose our lives in a freak accident at any time. I don’t want to be miserable and hateful towards my past but I cannot get over it quite yet. I barely ever feel like I’ve slept nowadays. I either sleep and then feel like I haven’t slept or not sleep for a few days. I have nightmares and let things that people have said about me or to me get me down.

I should believe that I’m just as able as so called normal people, but I don’t because I’ve taken others opinions to heart. I never wanted conflict with anyone but it happened whether I liked it or not. I truly hate myself and it wrecks my confidence. I honestly don’t see a future for me at this point in my life. I no longer feel interest in anything and spend my days doing mindless things I don’t even enjoy. I’m broken and this time I can’t just spring back up to join some kind of life again. I rest but I always feel tired. I never get any energy back so I end up feeling constantly drained. I thought that after a while I’d feel better but I’m not at all. I’m on anti depressants but I’m still depressed so what is the point of them? I know I can’t just come off of them because I’ll feel worse. I have lost my spark that meant I kept my drive even when things were bad for me. I was always able to dust myself and get back up but now I can’t do that anymore. I feel like I’m wasting my days but I still can’t get up and do things again. I want to move away because it would make it easier but I’ll never be able to get the money together with all the benefit cuts and changes. I will have to put up with this area and it’s memories for the time being even if they affect me negatively.