I’m fed up of feeling tired and ill all the time. I’ve lost my spark to the point I can barely bring myself to do housework when required. I am depressed even on anti depressants. It is the worse feeling to not want each day to come because I don’t want to participate in life anymore. It makes me feel awful just thinking about having to get through a day. I need a break from life because it feels like a chore. It annoys me to feel everything. I can’t stand being sensitive. Sometimes I just want to turn it off. I’m back on the painkillers again, which doesn’t help because after a while they start to cause high anxiety. I only went back on them because I wasn’t feeling well and took one for a migraine. This is the worse I’ve felt in my entire life. I’ve thought I have had depression before but nothing compares to right now. It’s just like someone has taken a knife and opened all my old emotional scars. I don’t know how long it takes to get to the point where a breakdown happens but I’m constantly on the edge trying not to get to that stage.
That is why I’ve given a lot up right now because commitments make it harder to avoid a full breakdown state. I know that I can’t avoid doing things long term but right now I have to let depression pass before it causes a breakdown. Then I have others saying that I should let a breakdown happen because it’s like a pressure release system which will return me to a happier functioning being after it’s happened. I simply cannot have a breakdown because I live on my own and have to do everything myself. I wish that I could just crumble and rely on others to do everything for me but that isn’t what I’m used to doing. I honestly do hate the way things are right now but I can’t make others change their mind. I have to point out that it isn’t good for me but others don’t care so I’m never going to have it the way which would make me feel better. As I said before, I am sorry if I’ve been too much for others to handle but my PDA side isn’t an option especially when I’m upset. I’m not a bad person and if others would give me a chance to show them that I’m not then it would help with my depression a lot right now. I’m worn out. I am literally too tired to cause trouble or bug anyone to the point of insanity anymore. I need others to work with me and help me back up by doing everything possible to help me kick depressions ass.