Nothing special. Depression is even worse on my birthday.

Today has felt just like any normal day. Depression has hit me even more than usual because I’m just so fed up of the way things remain. Others don’t get how they’re still affecting me by decisions that they’ve made and how they made me feel due to things they’ve done. I don’t have a choice in regards to how I am feeling about things. I’ve tried to not let it get to me but I have based my value on things that have happened. I feel pointless and I get nothing done nowadays. I hate the thought of another day. It just feels like one major hassle that I have to get through and achieve nothing. I’m badly affected by things that have happened and over time this is increasing. Others don’t understand how keeping things the way that they are is absolutely destroying me. I don’t deserve it. I may have deserved it at one time for being awful to others, despite it not being intentional, but I’ve well and truly been punished.

I‘ve taken everything to heart and honestly began to hate everything about myself. It’s tearing me apart. The flat is constantly messy. I’m always exhausted because emotionally I’m worn out. That doesn’t go with however much sleep I physically have. I’m suppose to have services covered under the 117 aftercare but the council no longer give me anything. I’ve known some people to have cleaners coming in because they can’t manage the housework and it be paid for under that. The council won’t pay for anything but still keep me under the clause. They cannot have it both ways. I either want services like the above to help me when I get into a depressed exhausted state or want to be taken off of the clause which they’re getting funded for me but I’m not getting any actual benefit from. It wasn’t so bad when I didn’t feel like this but there are times like now I need the funds that are supposed to be there to support me. I refuse to let the council keep that money when it’s given for my support costs. I may go to the citizens advice place or even a solicitor if legal aid covers mental health disputes with the councils. When I genuinely need the right support to function then it is my right to use what is suppose to be accessible for me.