Every generation has to fight for something. However it seems that this generation has lacked that attitude. I’m not surprised because the school system says conform or get kicked out nowadays. Tweeting and sharing things on social networking is lazy campaigning regardless of what it is about. I’m not the most confident person in the world but I think with the latest stories coming out it is time for us to go out there and really educate people about the Pathological Avoidance Demand form of Autism which differs from typical Autism. The media stories that have come out recently have given us a gateway and we need to take this opportunity to go out there regardless of how much crap gets thrown at us by the ignorant members of the public.
I’m nervous to go out there and unmask myself being totally authentic in front of the public. I am so used to masking. I got bullied for who I was even when I was masking for that long period of my life. I don’t mask so much now because it’s extremely tiring to do it the whole of my life. I’ve ended up extremely tired trying to keep up the pretence because of the bullying I’ve experienced from those that established that I didn’t have straight forward Autism. Instead of seeing it as a separate condition they have seen it as things such as ‘psycho’, ‘stalker’, ‘crazy’… all along those lines. I’ve heard it all by those that don’t get it. They don’t see illness, just someone that can’t be the way others are socially. Inside we are individuals full of anger that is just bubbling around ready to bite at any moment when we are triggered by being overwhelmed or stressed by something. The anger is actually anxiety but to others it appears as angry outbursts.
Conflict feels like an attack which I cannot do and have proven that on occasions where I’ve felt misunderstood. These times have often resulted in a meltdown. It’s hard to keep anger and anxiety bubbling inside constantly without letting it out when cornered. Then all you are seen as is an awful person when others have no idea how hard it is to function on a daily basis. A state of confusion is a constant state for those of us with PDA. Confusion leads to feelings of fear even if the things in front of me aren’t scary my head will cast that kind of shadow onto whatever or whoever it is regardless. There is always a part that wants acceptance from others so much that it is easy to get into manipulation mode to just have something. It’s not a conscious decision but just happens because emotions are very strong. Everything I feel is intense and it’s like being squeezed.
Socially I get tired quicker than the average Autistic person because of the intensity of relationships. I feel the intensity and everyone I like feels my intensity in my aura/energy even if we aren’t even in the same room. That intensity that others feel off of me is just a tiny snapshot of how intensely I feel energies and everything around me on a daily basis. Imagine being me because I can assure you it’s taken a lot of getting used to and still bugs me. I literally have to switch off completely otherwise I feel like I’m on a constant rollercoaster. Sleeping is difficult. Waking up in the morning is intensely uncomfortable. Emotions and energy from others can actually make me ill. I’ve had headaches and been sick many times because of things I’ve felt in others energies. It is like being a radio receiver when I walk into a crowded room because everyone in that room has things in their energies which hit me like I’m some kind of magnet. I don’t mind talking about it in depth now because of stories coming out but I’d never be the first to be up front and honest about this type of Autism which differs from typical Autism in major ways.