I just hate everything today!

I didn’t have a lot of sleep last night so this is probably why by this point of the day I’m feeling like I hate everything and everyone. I’m in more of a mood because I just can’t keep up with the housework when I constantly want to sleep. I’m starting to look ill. I looked in the mirror today and can see the tiredness on my face. I think it’s the stress I’ve felt physically manifesting. Remember I used to mask everything and now I’ve decided that it’s too stressful to do that anymore… so it’s manifesting outwards. I’ve fallen out with the vacuum cleaner today because it got blocked up in the pipe (cat hair) and I had to dismantle it. I’ve cleaned the filter too as I might as well why I’ve got everything apart. The bits on my floor which it wouldn’t pick up are irritating me and I can’t use it until the filter has dried off. It does affect me when I’m surrounded by mess. Anyone that knows me is aware I’m quite relaxed when it comes to not being tidy. However, I’m starting to not like dirt, which includes bits on the carpet, as I get older. I only tidy up when things are getting in the way and I have to move things because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to do things or if the cats are hinting that the mess is getting in their way (they start to scratch at the stuff in the way of where they want to sit).  Then there is the thought in my head that is haunting me that if my appeal hadn’t worked then I’d still be in prison and due for release just after my birthday (if I hadn’t been released on tag already). It makes me really upset that someone else could do that to me. I just feel that this world is evil and I want absolutely no part of it at this moment in time. 

I’m chilling with one of the cats on my bed. He’s the lazy one who will only go out after dark. Mister makes it impossible to sleep all night as he insists on launching himself into the window meowing at a stupid time of the morning. I’m getting more sleep at night since the weather has changed because Mister also doesn’t like going out in the cold. Mimi is out at the moment. She goes out a lot whether it’s day or night. She’s also gone out in some awful weather. For instance, there was a huge rain storm one night and she came strolling in after I spent the hour worrying about something happening to her out there. The only time they both refuse to go out is when there’s snow on the ground. The cats hate the cold just as much as I do. Mister is making me feel tired because he’s sprawled out on the bed asleep. I disturbed him earlier to tidy up around him and he just groaned at me. It’s quite funny because when you wake him up he puts his paw over his face, groans and rolls over with his eyes still closed. He is my comical cat. He has a habit of doing some really daft things and also some clever things. For example, he picks up the dry food in his paw and eats it. He also likes kicking the dry food around the kitchen floor after picking a bit out as well. I don’t know where he learned how to pick the food up in his paw and eat it but it’s quite entertaining to watch.

I am also hormonal today. Yes it’s that time again. It is so irritating being a female at times. I’m sure my hormones will settle down in a few days but I’m really uptight at the moment. I feel stuck. I don’t want things to stay as they are between me and the other person but I can’t do nothing because I will get punished for trying. The whole situation has broken me. I’ve lost all my little confidence that I had and hate myself. I’ve never despised myself this much in my entire life. I don’t see a future. I don’t even want one. I just feel like sleeping. I no longer enjoy anything I used to a few years ago. Also, I’ve been pushed out of things I’ve enjoyed in this area because of people not understanding my disability. I’ve decided it’s better not to go out so that I don’t get picked on or singled out for being different. That is why I need to move away to be able to socialise and do things I enjoy without my past overshadowing everything. I feel like I’m forever going to be judged for my social naivety which people have seen as malicious in this area.