I simply cannot shake the feeling of humiliation after things that have happened. That humiliation is destroying my confidence and making me subsequently not want to go out again. I constantly feel like people are laughing at me behind my back. I’m not paranoid because I know this is probably how it actually is in reality. I bet when I ended up in prison there were those that were thinking it was funny or just treating it as some kind of real life show. I just can’t recover from this feeling and it’s really affecting me. I’m also not feeling well and it’s mostly due to the stress of constantly feeling the above. I’m literally always cold. Luckily my migraine has gone a bit now but I still feel like I have a cold. I’ve had a runny nose for weeks on and off. I’m getting a bit more sleep but that isn’t great yet. I just wish it wasn’t making me ill and not want participate in life.
I just don’t see a future where others won’t make fun of me or be nasty to me. I hate the thought of that but I’m different enough to have to expect that. If that is all the outside world has to offer then I’d rather never participate in life again. The worse feeling is experiencing humiliation at the hands of someone that I trusted. They discussed my private business with their friends which is something I cannot get over. Indirectly they made me a target for them to bully me. The things that were said to me were very hurtful and actually pushed me to try to commit suicide at one point. I’m not an awful person and I know that this is what people are thinking out there. I never went out to do what I did on purpose. I wanted a friend and I’ve never had a proper one. It was all lack of experience. I have no idea what I do and don’t do. I don’t know what comes across as too keen and crosses from wanting friendship to more. I didn’t want more but others see over keenness as wanting more. If others hadn’t walked away then I wouldn’t have lost my temper and emailed things to them which were said to try to wind them up. I want people to see that I’m also a victim in a different way. I was wronged first and I reacted. I just want to be viewed accurately rather than distortedly because of what has been turned around on me. I just don’t want this cloud to hang any longer.