Apart from waking up at early hours for the last two days I’m sleeping better. I am taking things to help me sleep but I feel better because I’m getting some sleep. I was a bit tired today but that is just from prolonged lack of sleep. Once I have caught up I will start to feel normal. I haven’t felt normal for a long time. Depression caused a feeling of dreading daylight hours. I didn’t want to go out there after what has gone on because it makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Even though I didn’t make my mistakes on purpose but through sheer stupidity and trusting the wrong people. The way people look at me and what they think has an effect on me. There is a huge impact on my self confidence. I don’t have any which is why I’ve decided to have time to myself for the time being. I just cannot be out there in the constant glare of small town gossips because I can’t deal with that right now. I was made extremely ill after what I’ve been through and I should have paced myself but I didn’t because I was completely unaware. I honestly didn’t see any signs from the inside. I only saw my goals in life.
I don’t know how long it will take me to recover. I need the rest but I’m finding it hard to get my mind to chill out. It constantly keeps convincing me that everyone hates me and thinks I’m a weird freak. I can’t get it out my head because I know it’s the truth. I’m not a bad or mad person. I’m just inexperienced because I’ve never dated or had close friendships. I don’t know how to not be a lone wolf because I never learned to walk with others. It doesn’t mean that I’m an awful person. I just want others to see that they’ve misunderstood me. I’m not a danger to anyone. I’m annoying and on edge but that is due to my life experiences. I find it hard to go out and not feel like others will be constantly pointing at me as an awful person.