Extremely tired. Really don’t want to do today.

Why does it decide to rain on the one day that I have to go out? I am not going out the whole of the rest of the week. I’m tired even though I did sleep. It’s not just down to lack of sleep though. I’m completely exhausted because of everything that I’ve been through. I am feeling it more and more. It is just the endless cycle of being kicked when I’m down anyway. That’s constantly been my life and eventually it has a negative effect on you. The campaigning for Autism awareness/acceptance and an end to forced adoption in later years has also taken it’s toll on my health. I’m ill so much now. I’m gaining weight because my life isn’t so active anymore. I used to be able to burn it off because I went for a walk every day. I don’t have the energy to do that now. I really need something else physical diagnosed because I won’t ever be able to work like this and those judging me in the benefits system have no idea about mental health.

I do feel that if I continue pushing myself with the various campaigning for changes then it’s going to do something terrible to me. I’m already a naturally stressed out person because I’ve done that kind of thing for all of my adult life. I don’t want to go to the appointment today but I feel held to ransom because they always threaten to stop your benefits for none attendance. I can’t afford to have anything else stopped. I cannot mask anymore. I’m just going to lay it on the line because I am really not feeling up to it today. If I have to send myself into a meltdown for them to see that I’m not capable of ever working because of how overwhelmed I am from the things that have happened to me then I will do that. Those that have seen me flip into that find me scary (even though I haven’t got any intention to hurt them) because I scream so loud and walk out the room. This is basically triggered by being in meetings and no one listening to my input despite it being about my support.