I can’t do anything right because I’m not ‘normal’.

I’m trying to educate people enough so I’m seen as a good person. Even when I go on camera and show myself as I truly am, others still want to see me as awful for being brutally honest. This is what I have to be in order to make it and be respected in the type of career I want to go into. I have to show that I can be just as ruthless as others and hopefully I can educate them just by using that trait. Also, just because I was on video touching my hair and wearing a low cut top was not due to me trying to flirt etc. I was merely nervous and those are my nervous traits. It’s like when I smile when I’m scared etc, that is also an automatic thing. I was as professional as I could be with anxiety in my video.

Maybe if people actually did listen to what I have to say and let me educate them rather than passing judgment on me personally. It is because people have never listened to what I tried to say before punishing me that I was labelled in such an awful way. That label literally hurts me and that is why I am hellbent on educating the public, by force if necessary. I literally am not allowed to lock the public in rooms against their will and feed them information. I am instead going to have to be comical and feed them information in clever ways that makes them ‘take it in’ without realising. The issue is that everyone thinks that there are people with it a lot worse than individuals on the spectrum or those with mental health issues. That may be true but it doesn’t change the fact that we have a valid struggle too. Many of us spend most of our lives alone because others hate aspects of our autism. I despise my own Autism due to the fact that it’s lost me every single person I’ve liked in my life. I just constantly think that without my Autism traits then others would have been my friend. There are other Autistics that do not have the same traits as myself (because theirs isn’t people focused) who openly disagree with me. But, as I have previously said, the PDA part of the spectrum is people focused. That is the difference between typical Autism and PDA.

I would NEVER hurt anyone in even a meltdown. Yes I’m loud and upset but I’d never go for another. I normally just exit the room or something. I cannot guarantee this in every PDA case because a lot of people on the spectrum have violent meltdowns. I don’t have that kind of temperament. Yes, I can say some vile things when I’m angry but I have to be pushed really far to get to that point. I was pushed really far to get to that point on every occasion I’ve got annoyed about things. And I’m sure that if others have been in my shoes at that time they’d have been upset too. I was more upset than annoyed. I still am more upset than angry. At the end of the day I know that I am innocent minded and do not deserve to be continually punished for mistakes I’ve made due to my ILLNESS! Definition of illness: a disease affecting body or MIND! It doesn’t define me as a nasty person and no one has a clue how much I was put through before reaching my limits. I will keep trying to make people see that I’m not an awful person. I have my faults like everyone, the only difference is that I’m labelled an incorrect way for mine. The only way to change societies view is to educate others. I do this via the Twitter page, Facebook page, the blog and even offline sometimes. The writing style I have is first person naturally, therefore it’s not a deliberate attempt to make it sound all about me. Unfortunately, this is down to lack of childhood education and that was society letting me down too.

I’m not accepting responsibility for other people’s lack of understanding and the lack of appropriate support. I made a huge effort on that video and also daily try to teach people about Autism. I’ve worked very hard on it and don’t want to get criticized when it is difficult for me in every day life anyway.

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