Until I know the full details that I haven’t been told I don’t have a future. I’m stuck. I cannot concentrate on anything. I deserve to know the details that I can pick up are there but I cannot pick up specific details. I don’t care if spirit doesn’t want me to know. I want to know and I won’t ever give up wanting that information. It isn’t fair that I am seeing myself as an awful person because others are keeping the truth hidden. I don’t want nastiness but just to know something that will stop me feeling completely horrendous for the rest of my life. I can’t take the guilt anymore. I need to know why this was done to me (the real reasons not the cover up) if the person said in a court statement that they had ‘no ill-feelings for me’. But, the ‘friends’ that trolled me said I was evil etc. I’m confused. I don’t care to move on. I will move on properly when I know the answers. I’m not someone that judges. I don’t care if the other person turns out to be a psychopath. Or any other unsavoury kind of truth. I’m not going to spread it about. I need to know so I don’t hate myself for the rest of my life. It has psychologically had a huge negative affect on me. I can’t cope with every day life because of how it’s left me feeling.
I’m more severely affected by my disability than I make out. I went to university and everything else that I’d done determined to mask my Autism but it kicks off more if you do that. I experience at lot more than I have ever made out. I have muscle weakness on one side (this was caused by the seizures I had as a child where that side went dead, not autism specific). It sometimes makes me tired because one half of my body is always more heavy than the other. I probably have brain damage as this causes abnormal levels of anxiety. I do not have a mental illness. Autism isn’t in that category. I just find certain things extremely difficult. I never wanted to be completely honest with people because they don’t listen anyway. I am unable to use the phone some days. I am finding it increasingly hard to be able to go out as much as previously (and I’m talking every day things not socialising, I don’t socialise because of social anxiety). I find physical contact feels abnormal to me because my sensory system can’t take it. I see others getting acceptance with a lot more severe disabilities. I know that what is seen as mental health has an optional acceptance level to it. But, this is more how my brain is made… so that is technically like being blind etc. It isn’t a choice and I may have always misled people on how much I masked it.