Addiction is destroying me.

I have tried to quite the painkillers but I can’t. I’ve never wanted them this bad. I’m taking them several times a day. I can go through a 32 pack in a week now. They are soluble and taste absolutely horrible. That’s without the fact that they make my stomach swell. I really can’t lose weight like this because I get really hungry after I take them.

This used to be what kept me going but now it’s got to the point where it’s actually destroying me. I am sure my organs are starting to complain about the constant battering I put them through. I’m getting older and been taking them for a long period of time. I do feel better off of them but it’s just stating off of them. After a few weeks of constantly taking them I feel wound up. They make me anxious on top of already intense natural anxiety. It’s not as simple as not taking them. Once you’re hooked on a substance it’s difficult to completely get off of it. They used to be beneficial to me but now it’s gone the other way. My body reacts as if they are poison and anti depressants sometimes interact with these things. They’re changing me. It’s all about looking forward to taking another. I’m totally done with socialising at the moment because how can I trust people after everything that has gone on? Painkillers are sudden killers not gradual. I hear it’s a slow death from a number of months to a year and it’s painful. I was told this by a hospital doctor when I tried to overdose last time. It’s just harder coming off these things. I’ve done it but then I get stressed with life and go buy a packet. I know what would make me happy but others won’t do what I need. They just see it as a want but don’t see that what I would like to change was the cause of my painkiller addiction. I’ve always had it but this made it go into danger territory in the amount that I now take. I’ve tried to be honest all the way through. I’m not here to guilt trip anyone into changing things. I’m just stating how this addiction was triggered. I don’t want others to feel guilty, we all cope in our own way.