Very depressed.

I am progressively getting so down. I’m gaining weight. I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I don’t have the get up and go type energy that I had when I was younger. I was always able to bounce back. However I don’t think I can do that anymore. I would quite happily sleep most of the time if I had the choice. I’m trying to get the nerve to end end my life and stop being a chicken. There’s nothing keeping me in this world. Emotionally I need a break. I just don’t want to hurt any more. I hate myself. I even have night mares about things that have happened. Every single day feels like a living hell due to memories and the mental scars of what has gone on over the years. I’m slowly crumbling. Im slowly killing myself by painkiller addiction anyway. They eventually cause a painful death over time. Some people probably think that I deserve that any way.  I’m not stopping because this is probably just meant to be. I never fitted here. An early death stops me being a burden to society. I’ve been taking them on and off since I was a teenager. The damage is likely already done now. I’m more swollen than I ever have been so I think it’s finally starting to affect my organs. I don’t even care because I am just fed up of life and if I died it would free me from existing with a mind full of pain.