Day: September 28, 2018

I see that people have started noticing my new personality. That is who I am now because of what has happened. I don’t see why I should continue to be the nice and quiet type if people treat me the way that they have done. I certainly can’t be bothered to make an effort for others anymore. I am done with ambition and trying to be more than I am so that others actually accept me. I really don’t want to accept losing a chance to be friends with the one person I wanted in my life. I’ve been forced into a corner and I will end up in prison if I push it again. It’s common for people to become an awful uncaring miserable sarcastic person after they don’t get the one they wanted. That is what has happened to me. I honestly do NOT give a damn about anyone else anymore. I despise other human beings and I just want to be on my own. This hate for them has been created over many years, it’s not just because of more recent events. I will do every day life but others can forget getting anything nice from me ever again. I don’t even truly smile anymore. I’m not going to smile when I’m not happy.

The law may justify what others have done to me. However, they were morally wrong regardless of what the law states. The actions they took against me was completely cruel. I have no malice within me. I got accused of all sorts because of what was being said behind my back. I only ever wanted to be friends and they wouldn’t even do that. It’s not like I wanted money, an intimate relationship or whatever. I simply don’t ask for money or do intimate relationships. If others have bothered to properly get to know me rather than making accusations, then they would have established what I do not do in my life. I’m completely as cold as stone now. I fully point the finger at the other person for causing me to get hooked on painkillers. They pushed me into it by their actions. They’ve broken me so much that I am now emotionless. I no longer even feel the hurt from the situation. I’m now just bitter and becoming a different person. 

I am progressively getting so down. I’m gaining weight. I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I don’t have the get up and go type energy that I had when I was younger. I was always able to bounce back. However I don’t think I can do that anymore. I would quite happily sleep most of the time if I had the choice. I’m trying to get the nerve to end end my life and stop being a chicken. There’s nothing keeping me in this world. Emotionally I need a break. I just don’t want to hurt any more. I hate myself. I even have night mares about things that have happened. Every single day feels like a living hell due to memories and the mental scars of what has gone on over the years. I’m slowly crumbling. Im slowly killing myself by painkiller addiction anyway. They eventually cause a painful death over time. Some people probably think that I deserve that any way.  I’m not stopping because this is probably just meant to be. I never fitted here. An early death stops me being a burden to society. I’ve been taking them on and off since I was a teenager. The damage is likely already done now. I’m more swollen than I ever have been so I think it’s finally starting to affect my organs. I don’t even care because I am just fed up of life and if I died it would free me from existing with a mind full of pain.

I have tried my absolute best in Maths but the GCSE level is stupidly hard. They make it harder every year. This isn’t fair for those of us that didn’t have much schooling and need it for further education. I cut a lot of my ‘friends’ off because they kept telling me not to aim high and to accept the little I can get in life. Maybe they were right. I may never be ‘smart enough’ to have a career. However, I am sure that those who are already in careers eg. Teaching, would also struggle with the Maths we’re having to do now. I’m not thick when it comes to Maths as I’ve learnt a lot that I didn’t previously learn at school in a short time. This Higher Maths is ridiculous though. It’s like they’ve put A level Maths into GCSE. I’ve heard the A Level Maths paper is impossible for even those that excel at Maths now. I swear they’re making it harder because they just want to make money out of the education system. I think that is morally wrong because those of us that are generally wanting to gain the education that we never was fortunate enough to get at school are stressed enough trying to catch up on what we missed at school.

I’ve got a GCSE Maths book from my school days. I looked through it and things were a lot easier. That is intermediate level. It was split differently in those days (early 00s). These are all the topics which we are still studying at GCSE level. I find the pace of the lessons too fast. I am fine when it’s a topic that I have figured out, however it’s one of those difficult parts then I am completely lost easily. I have mentioned it to the tutor tonight. We are supposed to do a lot of self study. I haven’t really done a lot this  week apart from the homework that the tutor gave us. I am hoping to prove that I can do it in the 6 weeks probation period which I’ve been given by those that run the course. I have 4 weeks left to prove myself. I know that I can do it once I get my head around how to do it. It’s just getting to that point where I’ve worked out how to do the bits that I didn’t do at school or at functional skills level. It all takes hard work.

Tonight, the tutor was talking about carrying our ‘balloons’ around with us. This means the baggage of life which affects our studying. I carried around a lot of baggage while I was retaking my GCSE’s over the last few years. I think I did rather well. I’ve been told by many people that managing to pass with that much personal baggage is something that they couldn’t do. The way to do study with a lot of trauma from your life as baggage is to simply not think about anything but the task in front of you when you’re even in class or revising. Nothing but the piece of work in front of you matters at that time. You may be emotional over things that have happened in life, but you’ve just got to wait until you’re out of the classroom (or in the case of distance learning away from your revision session) to focus on all the other various crap that life throws up. It has been difficult when I’ve been emotional and wound up about things. But, I still managed to pass all my subjects so far (apart from Maths the first time around, but I passed the other 3 subjects).