I’m feeling more ‘normal’ today. Still got a long way to go though.

Apart from the Migraine I have developed since I’ve been up, I’m feeling more normal today. I have shakey hands, which is really irritating because I cannot do anything that involves having to have steady hands eg. jewellery making etc. Even carrying hot water can be risky when my hands are playing up. I’m resting today. I had a long walk yesterday going from place to place on foot locally so I probably won’t go for a walk today. I do need to do my exercises though because I’ve gained a bit of weight. It’s only a few lbs and I’m sure half of it is bloating but I need to keep control of the belly and thigh fat as I’m naturally curvy. If I ate all the sweet stuff and other junk possible (which I have dipped into over the past fortnight) then I’d most likely be a plus size. I can’t eat what I want anymore. I could do that when I was younger, apart from when I was on a lot of medication (like many females that changes as you age though). I know my hormones have been a bit up and down so that doesn’t help weight fluctuation.

I try to eat healthily but sometimes it’s hard. I’m also attempting to cut down on fizzy drinks, instead I’m drinking more water. That is hard to keep up though. I’ve drank way too much fizzy drinks to make up for the month I wasn’t able to have it. I felt a lot better for not drinking it and my teeth weren’t so sensitive. I lived on tea while I was inside. I think that I’ll always have more curves if I drink fizzy drinks too much. I loved my skinny prison frame. That is hard to maintain when you’re on the outside surrounded by a lot of fattening food. I have literally gained 5lbs and am back to what I was before I went in after just a month of being released. I also came out feeling positive, but now I’m back to feeling depressed. The appreciation of freedom and how happy just being able to go do what you want, eg. a walk, wears off after a while.

In all honesty, despite not really liking people, I miss the constant company of others. In there I never felt isolated because there are other people everywhere you go. I do like me time but I haven’t socialised properly since I have been out. I learned the art of conversation inside and I enjoyed it for the first time in my life. I discovered that I most likely do have social needs because I felt a lot better in there. I’d love to have other female friends but a lot of them don’t accept me on the outside. I learned how to communicate with females in there. I learned that other females are nothing like me at all. I just don’t think I have a female brain. I can be in a female friendship group but when it comes to b*tching etc this is something that I cannot do without getting ganged up on. I’m literally no good at being snakey or sly and getting away with it. There are some girls that are skilled at that and are the types who cause fall outs. That is why I know I have to back off when it comes to other females and not push my point of view on them. It’s not going to work if they feel forced to do things. They’ll just dig their heels in further. I’m even like that as a typical female. I will hold on to how I feel and my point of view and anyone who tries to argue with that will get their head bitten off. I can’t force anyone else to do something that they have their mind set on not doing. It doesn’t work with us females. They don’t like clinginess. That equals weird and a stay away from me attitude. They like people who are independent and sure of themselves. That’s what I have to be to ever get a remote chance to get others to do what I need. You’ve got to play it cool even when you’re as anxious as anything inside. 

Woken up at a stupid hour! And now suffering quite a bit.

I actually went to sleep earlier but was waking up every hour and after 1am I couldn’t get back to sleep. It’s now 3am and I am  suffering quite a bit. I woke up with a headache. I got up for a drink of water and then completely woke myself up. I am extremely tired. I keep having dreams every time I doze off. Then I’m awake again. The dreams are surrounding what has gone on. Things are haunting me so badly at the moment. Last night my hearing got sensitive enough to hear electricity. Th at was quite annoying. I hear high pitch noises from electrical currents in the plug sockets. That can be quite irritating if it’s a very quiet night. The dreams are really stressing me out. It just feels like I’m destined for torment over everything. I wish that others would play fair but that’s never going to happen. I’ve waited a long time for others to do the right thing but they are obviously awful people who doesn’t care what distress they’re causing me. It’s not a choice. I’m traumatised by what has gone on. If they truly had no bad feelings toward me (as a statement said in the court) then surely they’d not want me to be this affected. Unless they are truly that heartless and selfish. Not everything revolves around their needs and wants. I need things sorting for my own sanity. It will take away the worse of the trauma I feel over everything. That isn’t what I want. It’s a need for my own peace. I am not wanting to have anything to do with a person who I now feel absolutely hurt by now I know certain things. I fear all people now but I fear the other person involved so much more. I know that it is a step that we will both have to be willing to take to put a lid on the past. A lid can’t be put on the past with the order still running. It creates a bad atmosphere… especially when it comes to karma. If the manifestation of energy applies in every aspect of life… Then this means that order could potentially have a wider affect on the lives of those named on it. It’s not bullsh*t. I would have thought that at one point but the stuff I learned inside changed my views on the small things in life. Like a really tiny thing can cause a ripple affect. When you’re no longer ignorant to this then it annoys you that every one else is and continues to walk aimlessly causing karma blocks and negative energies while being completely unaware of what they are potentially causing on a wider scale. We are all supposed to be connected. That aspect makes it hell for those of us that can feel things. We can unintentionally ruin each other’s lives just by thinking nasty things or saying them. It’s all about what energy it manifests.