Been to the doctors and sorted out my unpaid community service.

I asked my probation officer if there was anything that they could do about me being too anxious for unpaid work. They’ve suspended me until they’ve decided what they’re going to do. If it goes back to court they’ll have to suggest the judge or magistrates’ replace it with an alternative. I have until the end of my order if I do get rid of my intense anxiety.

I’ve asked the gp and they don’t think I should see the counsellor. I think my issues are more deep roots but they think I don’t have ptsd. They aren’t a Psychiatrist and I think the fact that I still go out sometimes confuses people. I don’t think I have another option. If I don’t go out then nothing gets done because I live on my own. I’m used to not showing how I truly feel and sometimes when I smile more I’m actually hiding a lot of unhappiness. I smile more when I’m trying to cover up feeling like crying. I feel like I’m about to crumble onto the floor. Even my blog entries are getting harder to make a decent length. Sorry, I’m hoping I’m able to write longer entries soon. I need to sleep because I don’t want to use the sleeping tablets I was given unless I absolutely have to. I also can’t have any more than a week’s supply to sort out my sleep pattern, so I have to use them sparingly. I didn’t sleep a lot last night because I was worrying about everything. The message I got from my probation officer this morning about being suspended from unpaid work for the time being did put my mind at rest a bit. I felt that I could relax  because nothing was triggering my anxiety off. I may change my mind if counselling works. But, I think I need more than that. I’m starting to feel broken. It’s also that time of the year when I’m a year older (31 soon, time has gone so fast) and then we have Christmas, which is difficult when you’re away from your only child because he was adopted into another family. I’d love to have contact from my son’s adoptive parents at least for Christmas, even if they don’t want to communicate with me regularly. It would make a horrible time of year much better. I am doubtful that I’ll get that because I haven’t heard from them since I wrote to them 2 years ago via the post room at the council (I was told that it was passed on).