I actually slept for a while last night. It is the first night I’ve had at least some sleep in over a week. I’m in serious need of a break from life. Since being released from prison I’ve had a lot of things to sort out because of being in there. It upsets a lot of things which all require sorting out after you’re released. There is also the stigma of prison held by those that have never been inside. They wouldn’t have this opinion if they’d either been inside or worked inside a prison. The television programmes show inmates getting beaten up. That is a small part of life inside in women’s prison. I wasn’t beaten up. Although I weren’t on the wing that had fights. There was also a lifers wing which had a security button on it. The officers had to press the button to even get in or out. I managed to get to know a few others on my wing and made sure I was never alone when I was out of my cell. Hanging around in pairs or groups is a way of survival in there. I was okay because I was accepted. Some prisoners weren’t and even I had some that decided they just didn’t like me. They never beat me up though. If things kicked off it was mostly bitching.
As much as I feel tougher after being in there for a month, I’m still wanting a break from life. I’m tired. I’m stressed out over every thing that I have to deal with on the outside. I wish that I could get the medical evidence together to sign me off of any form of work. I just want a break. I don’t have a carer to deal with all the day to day things. I have to do them myself and it’s exhausting. I need a new tyre because I drove in a stress and clipped the kerb which was sticking out on the way to traffic lights. I’m not sleeping properly. I never knew how easy my life was until my benefits got cut to not enough to live on. I used to not have anything to stress about but now politically things are changing and disabled people are one of the groups feeling the cuts etc. I long for the life I had before when I had no worries. I’m having to balance everything while the benefits system mess me around. They even blamed an overpayment on me. They were informed by myself straight away of changes. They kept paying me for weeks after and then turned around and said I owed them money I do not have and to arrange a repayment plan. I told them in writing that PIP had been refused. That letter was dated which proves I sent them the update straight away. The stress that those in government cause people is completely unnecessary. The people working in these systems are jobsworths. They don’t do the admin properly. I have learning disabilities and I could even do it better.
I do think I need a mental health assessment which concludes I cannot work and includes ptsd because I think I actually have that. I get nightmares, I’m jumpy when I hear noises and my door buzzer. I’m now very reluctant to be around other people. I just want out of the daily stress. I need to get off before it flattens me.