I just can’t do what is expected of me.

I had to let my unpaid work placement know I weren’t able to do it today. I have severe depression back and I can’t even sleep properly. I constantly have absolutely no energy. I’ve only been able to sleep for a few hours the last week or so. I completely have no pattern anymore. I feel like I’m slowly crumbling out here. Community payback work isn’t exactly helping because I need to look after myself at the moment. I feel swamped by my personal life issues, let alone having the ability to do that without getting seriously anxious about it. I’m constantly being set up to fail. I have never got any actual help. The having to be at a certain place otherwise face punishment kind of thing is causing me extra stress. On top of how Prison has affected me, that is something I cannot take now.

I‘ve been in tears because I cannot take the pressure and constant worry they’ll recall me due to being unable to mentally cope with it. I’m absolutely no use to anyone when I’m full of anxiety and my head is all over the place. I am more of a burden when I’m in that frame of mind. I was mentally fragile before ending up in Prison. I probably won’t avoid a mental breakdown now. I was never over my son’s forced adoption when I first walked into the situation which resulted in the order and everything else. I wasn’t myself at all when it all happened. I’m never going to get over it all if they don’t stop laying more stuff on top of me.

I never deserved any of what happened to me in the past either. If others knew me properly and the truth behind what went on then they wouldn’t have labelled me in such a way. I found out a lot of things as a teenager that the authorities would like to keep hidden. It was either be in danger along with all those around me or be labelled negatively. I didn’t want to live my life feeling like I had to change my name for my own safety. I took the two lesser evils of being labelled mentally ill and a criminal. In some ways this made me protected because if someone tries to take the life of a vulnerable adult then they’ll get a longer sentence because an aggravating factor adds two years. I knew that being labelled a criminal discredited my account of certain things I uncovered, meaning no one would see me as a threat and attack me. I was the one trying to do the right thing, but once that label was established, it also started working against me.

Things are not how outsiders may presume. I found out things that were awful being done by others as a teenager and tried to stop it. I didn’t manage to stop any of it and the others involved was convinced I’d mention it to someone. I was young and stupid then. If I’d have known the consequences of allowing these labels to be put on my name I’d have risked it, but I thought they would take my life or something. I knew even back then that parts of the government can make people’s deaths look like suicides or accidents. I was scared that if I wasn’t discredited then I’d end up one of those they wanted ‘out the way’. As part of the whole set up I got to move from where I grew up which I was really keen to do back then.