I am too mentally unwell to go to unpaid work today.

I can’t sleep properly. I haven’t in days. My eyes are sore from lack of sleep. I knew that this would happen. I’ve messaged those that I have to inform if I’m ill or something. I can’t talk on the phone when I’m like this at all. I’ve explained that. I can’t help the way I’m mentally affected right now. Insomnia for days on end is torture. It’s never been this many days in a row before. I just want to sleep for a few days I’m that tired. It doesn’t help that my hormones have started adding to the mix. I am bloated and moody. I can feel the fluid in my ankles which makes them ache. I need to rest but that is not easy when you’ve hardly slept in days. I’m running on empty.

Emotionally and physically I’m drained. I thought that prison had a positive effect on me. I don’t feel the same now. I’m having dreams which are all about being in a specific area I cannot escape from. I feel claustrophobia and wake up scared. I’m too worn out from disrupted sleep that I no longer have the positive spring in my step which I had when I came out of prison. I just feel flat and not myself. It may be better when my anti depressants start to settle back in. That will be days away yet though. I can’t struggle any longer. If I can’t do my hours right now because of hitting rock bottom mentally then that can’t be helped. I haven’t got a magic wand to magic it away one day every week. Depression is a constant tipping scale. It suddenly takes me down and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I’m starting to feel the effects of what I have just been through. I can only get through it riding out the dreams and insomnia etc.

3 thoughts on “I am too mentally unwell to go to unpaid work today.

  1. Oh no. đŸ˜¦ I’m not surprised but very sad to hear it. I guess the most looming thing is that your absence doesn’t have any negative come-back: I hope your probation person is a decent human being and see that you’re simply too unwell to attend. I’m not sure if it’s worth making a point about coming off your antidepressants due to them not returning them and your other essentials for so long: I probably would do, but I tend to lose focus and part of me is saying that may perhaps be a bit of a diplomacy fail. I think it would be sensible to get a certificate from your GP a.s.a.p, though. Because doing it now gives you time to see a different GP if this one doesn’t play ball.

    It sucks for an emotionally vulnerable person who has obvious social anxiety on top of everything: that alone would’ve left you traumatised after being in a prison environment and it’s just astonishing and barbaric that they won’t take that sort of thing into account, nor their culpability for making things harder for you.

    Really your priority *should* be looking after yourself and getting better. I just really hope they give you a chance instead of setting you up to fail. What a brutal situation.

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    1. Even the cats don’t want to sleep on my bed because I’m that restless. I wake them up constantly changing positions. They’ve got fed up and gone outside. They normally sleep during the day.

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