I wasn’t going to go out today but my family persuading me to go to have Sunday lunch at their home. I didn’t feel up to driving but had to go out anyway to get things for the cats on the way. I tried to avoid a car at traffic lights as the road curved inwards (I think this is a stupid modern design which just complicates our road system) and clipped my tyre right on the edge of the kerb directly on the bendy part. It punctured it and I could just hear hissing. I had enough time to go to the shop that I was aiming for because this was only down the road. I actually managed to fill up with petrol and put it in a car parking space before it completely went flat. I got my things I needed whilst calling the breakdown service.
To be fair to them they only took an hour from the call. However, I was glad I was waiting in a car park not on the motorway or something. They were going to send a recovery truck from Mansfield (which is quite far from our area). However, then they realised that it was better to use one from the local city. I told them that I was a lone woman on my own. I’m not scared. But, at the same time, I would rather not be a vulnerable sitting target for opportunists. I had my laptop etc with me, so I wasn’t wanting them to get stolen. I’m not saying that the area I was in is that bad. It’s just that I know that there are local drug addicts who would steal anything to sell to feed their habit. We do have a problem with drugs in this area. Well, no one actually treats it as a problem, more like a lifestyle. I’ll never take them, but many people that I went to school with did fall into that trap.
On a serious note, you’re seen as abnormal in the locality where I live if you don’t smoke things like weed. The drug dealers have flash cars because there’s so much money made in dealing. If you see huge wads of cash being passed around then it’s probably the result of drug dealing. The sad thing is that those taking the drugs because they’re addicted aren’t well off. They spend nearly all of their benefits on drugs and then go to the foodbank asking for handouts. I feel sorry for them but they chose their lifestyle. I didn’t chose to have a disability, but still get shit for it from others. The dealers know that they’re hooked so subsequently they have an endless cash supply. Everything is dealt cash in hand, pass over drugs so that there is no paper trace suggesting illegal actions.
And on the subject of people in general. I have said before that I do not want anyone coming to my door uninvited. This is something that no one has taken any notice of twice in the last 3 weeks. One of them was someone I knew and the other I am not sure of their identity, but when I answer the phone to my door buzzer they didn’t say anything. Now, if it keeps happening, I’m going to be putting a little note beside my buzzer saying that no one (apart from the post or any delivery) is to ring my door buzzer or even knock my door unless a prior appointment has been arranged. That is the rules here. I know that others think I’m being over sensitive or stupidly protective of myself and my surroundings. I may be depressed because of a lot that has happened to me, but it’s not going to help if people pop round uninvited when I’m not expecting them.
The fact that other people are my number one cause of anxiety because I’m on the PDA part of the spectrum is another reason why this isn’t a great idea. I’m absolutely fed up of do-gooders etc. They’ve never ‘done good’ in my life. I just want my home to be somewhere I can be where I can relax and feel safe. I can’t do that if others turn up at my address uninvited. I don’t see it as a kind gesture. I simply see it as an invasion of my privacy. I apologise if others think there is no pleasing me. I don’t want people at my flat or around my stuff because of my past okay. I’m leaving others alone like they wanted all along. I only want the same in return, to be left alone. I used to like people and want to be around them. The old me wouldn’t have minded people turning up out of the blue. I’m no longer that me. I have scars from my son’s adoption and subsequent events over the last few years. I could now go for weeks without seeing another person and not feel lonely because of my fears. I’m sorry if others take that personally, but it’s the truth and I can’t change how I’m still affected by things, only time will heal some of that enough to not be so fearful again.