Day: September 11, 2018

I’d like to cover this as a topic because I feel that it is really important to point out that not everyone wants to date another person. I’m just not interested. I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship. I’m used to being single and I actually enjoy alone time. I do not even get lonely anymore since I’ve aged a bit. I’ve got no desire to be paired up or get intimate with anyone else ever. I’m not the type of person who would go out there to meet someone to be with in a relationship. If it happened for me, then it would be entirely unplanned and just how things panned out. I do not believe that it is something you can plan out to go and do. It’s a process that cannot be forced. There’s speed dating etc but none of those people may be part of the attendees destiny. Things only happen if things are meant to be. Some people may have the destiny to be single because that is how their life is suppose to pan out.

I personally do not mind if I never marry or get into a long term romantic relationship. I already live my life like a spinster with cats at the age of 30. I do not intend to have any more children. I’m definitely not risking it after my late 30s because of the genetic Autism risk. That is not a statement to say that having an autistic child is an awful thing. I wouldn’t want to create a child with my difficulties or more severe because I know what life would be like for them. It would be setting them up to have those same kinds of experiences and I don’t want to put them through that hurt. I am also aware of the risks of being an older parent because I lost my father at the age of 22. Admittedly, he did pass away in his early 60s, but even my Mother will be nearly 100 years old (if she’s still alive then) when I reach the age of 51. Most of my family members are much older than me. A lot of them will be all gone because they’re all around the same age now.

Then there are people encouraging me to go out there and find a man because they say that I could have any man I wanted with my looks and personality. That is probably true because I have noticed how males interact with me (kind of new because I never used to notice their looks and mannerisms). I’m really not wanting a man though. But, I’m not the type of woman that another woman would want to be with. I’m just not attractive to them in the same way that I’m attractive to males. I feel bad enough being different, let alone actively dating the same sex. I was born a disappointment. I come from an old fashioned family who think all that is unnatural.

I will always be fond of the person I am not able to see. However, I do not allow myself to go there anymore because if they’d have even slightly cared about me, then they wouldn’t have put me through court and eventually prison. It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish things were different and that we could be in each others lives. I just couldn’t trust them after the things that have happened and they’d probably say the same thing about me. I do have completely plausible innocent explanations for how I found out details about them but they’d never believe me as they have decided who I am. In their eyes I’m someone they don’t want in their lives. I wish it was different, but even in my eyes, things won’t ever be the same again since I ended up in prison due to them. I’d love them in my life but I simply can never trust them to be in my life even if they changed their mind in the future. When I met them, I was immature and had no idea the difference between friendship and love. That was down to lack of experience, I didn’t make my mistakes maliciously.