I was so nervous last night that I didn’t sleep. I did 7 hours of unpaid work for my community payback. I didn’t stop all day. I’m absolutely worn out. I enjoyed it though because it felt like I was useful as I was pricing clothing and taking them down to the shop. I was using the steamer quite a lot too. That took some practice because I’d never previously used it before. I volunteered in a charity shop for a few months about 9 years ago but never used that before. I was on the till there most of the time. It gets really hot steaming the clothes. It is like being in a Sauna after it’s been on a while. I know that physically I’m going to suffer tomorrow. I always do which is why I don’t think I can ever work full time hours.
I will most likely sleep well tonight. I’m just wanting a Bath and my Bed and it is still quite early in the evening. I’m too tired to even type, this is unusual for me. I usually have lots of energy for writing but my brain is tired as I had to take in a lot of tasks and remember how to do them so that I can work independently eventually. I was extremely quick at most tasks by the end of the day. Someone had donated a size 4 pair of trousers. We literally only have labels that go down to a size 6 as the smallest size. I thought I was skinny. I’d never fit into those trousers because my bones are a size 4 without surrounding flesh. I’m size 8 now. I feel quite skinny for me right now due to losing about quite a bit of weight during my time in prison. I don’t know how I did it because I ate carbs constantly as this is all that was on the menu. I didn’t like the food. But it isn’t the worse food I’ve ever eaten. Some of my own cooking has been worse. I’m not a typical woman when it comes to cooking. I can get by but cooking is not my strong point.
I have a full day at work and then my Mother starts being negative. I’m sick of people seeing me as learning disabled and talking about me losing my son and being a disappointment when he comes to see me as a grown up. Trying to tell me that I never take any advice. That isn’t the truth. I disagree because having Autism isn’t about taking advice. Then turning programmes like the updateables on and making me watch it telling me that these people are like me. I’m not like them. I do not agree that I am that mentally disabled. I made my mistakes because I was naïve. That isn’t a permanent state for me. I do not want to be like those people. I do not want to be categorised like the people on that programme. I’m not trying to say that I am above them in any way. I’m just completely fed up with being pigeonholed into a certain social grouping. I can mask my disability. Therefore, I can have a ‘normal’ life as I age. I do not want to date others with learning disabilities which people see as ‘like me’. They aren’t like me. I am highly intelligent but didn’t have the best start okay. Even as friends, I’m not wanting to be surrounded by people with forms of autism and learning disabilities because I do not feel like I can relate to them.