I can’t settle tonight. Loose ends and lack of closure.

I know that I said that I’ve found peace with everything that has happened. However, I’m having one of those nights where I am really bugged by it all. It’s hard not to get angry sometimes about things that have occurred. I know that I’m better off having nothing to do with certain influences and people from my past. However, there are loose ends that one day I need to tie up for my own sanity. I’ve never been allowed closure because others have wanted what they wanted and their needs have always been seen as more valid that mine.

I can’t get closure in regards to my son’s adoption when my own Mother is always expressing her anger over it. Members of my family have told her that she isn’t helping me by going over the same things in conversations. It only lays the guilt on me because I blame myself for my son’s adoption because I couldn’t ‘lose my disability’. I know in reality I’d never get rid of my Autism part, however, I still carry that guilt because the reasons that he was taken and forcibly adopted was all due to my disability traits. I’m getting it more in the neck at the moment after I ended up in prison. I am basically told that I’m the lowest of the low by my own Mother because of the stigma that is carried from having been imprisoned. Even inside we were encouraged to turn our lives around more than the services and my family combined do on the outside. I liked that encouragement. I hate the negativity I have stepped into on the outside. I used to be a negative person, but now I’m not the same. I cannot stand the negative stigma out here now. It just annoys me so much.

I’m no longer a child. I have grown up a lot. I understand a lot more than people assume. I’m only slightly on the spectrum and maturity is making me see things that I haven’t previously. I’m not stupid. I know that I messed up and trusted people which were certainly not trustworthy. I know that I expected things that I hadn’t got a hope in hell’s chance of getting in certain situations now. I am still young and people seem to forget that I lacked experience of life because I haven’t been alive as long as others. I’m a bit backward for my age. I’ve learned from watching others and my own mistakes. I do not think there is a possibility of an A grade in life. We all fail miserably in areas, especially when we’re younger and no one older wants to admit that they were a screw up at earlier points in their life. I hold my hands up and teach others by my our flaws because that is my style. That is the only way I know how to teach others about Autism etc.

I get so tired of Autism stereotypical views. People assume that I will be a certain way and when I don’t act that way, then they accuse me of being something else. I am only slightly on the spectrum. I’m on the edge of the spectrum and the edge of neurotypical. I am really in the perfect position to bridge the gap between the Autistic Community and Neurotypical Community as I can see things from both perspectives. There are a lot of those undiagnosed on that part of the spectrum who just look awful at relationships and are loners by nature. In all honesty, I’d rather have never been diagnosed. The label has held me back in my eyes. I don’t want to be ‘normal’. I want to be ‘different’ as I like to stand out. I currently have multi coloured hair and my own style of clothes. I do not follow fashion… I’m completely my own being. My brain is really not that different if others bothered to get to know me properly. I’m a person of depth. The surface may be weird but underneath I have depth to me. Others don’t get to see that depth as the surface brings a bit of my different brain type out but not everything.

2 thoughts on “I can’t settle tonight. Loose ends and lack of closure.

  1. I have mixed feelings about the autism label. I don’t mind being what I am; I like having an understanding of myself and if that has a name, it’s easier to explain it to other people. Trouble is when that name comes with all sorts of unhelpful baggage: I generally shy away from the word “Asperger’s” for a similar reason, though in some ways from the opposite perspective which is that it’s not really taken seriously and simply viewed as “a bit quirky”: sort of eccentric with a slightly annoying angle on it. Or maybe that’s “zany” I’m thinking of. Anyway.

    I guess I tend to be a bit like that with words in general, though: if people have pre-conceptions, I prefer not to use a different word or to sweep it under the carpet, I’d rather “reclaim” that word by education or whatever means. And if someone doesn’t want to be educated… well they’re going to have a bad attitude whether you have a label or not and they’re the sort of people who are generally best avoided. But I could do without the “learning disabled” thing: in some ways… I dunno. Yeah, I need things to be explained to me in a methodical and unambiguous manner, but is that a disability or simply a different means of learning? It doesn’t mean I’m stupid, which is I think what some people mean when they say I don’t “seem” autistic. Being autistic doesn’t mean being a halfwit or that guy out of Rain Man.

    The disability thing as well: don’t get me wrong, I hate the glossing over actual disabilities with “differently abled” but sometimes it is more of an incompatibility with how society is, so more of an effective disability than an actual one, though that is perhaps a controversial point of view. But square peg, round hole sort of thing. When it comes to my autism it was both a strength and a weakness: I don’t think I could’ve got to the point of being senior sysadmin/IT manager etc working in London, flash car, my own house and all the usual stupid trappings without it; on the other hand, it may have accelerated my career progression over what it would’ve been but it also made me burn out quicker. That would’ve probably happened sooner or later even without it but I suspect… well, later.

    And when it comes to people you “should” hang around with… well, that’s absolute bollocks. It’s a bit like saying you should only hang around or go out with people who have the same coloured hair. I mean it really is that banal. I’ve seen some people say that autistic people “understand” each other and get along better but to be honest I’ve seen no evidence that’s the case. If we’re outsiders, then surely we haven’t simply formed a homogenous counter-culture of our own, the point is that we don’t want to fit in with other people’s daft etiquette and other mores, we’re free spirits. Personally I’ll get along with who I choose. Sure, I got to know people tangentially because of their autism (e.g. you) but does that mean “ooh, an autistic person I can hang around with?” Absolutely not. If I get along with someone, find them interesting, likeable or whatever, that’s them as a whole person and has nothing at all to do with whether or not they’re autistic or have the same colour eyes as me. And I don’t understand why some people can’t get that.

    You’re you. People will either value you for that or not. But there’s no point in someone else trying to impose some sort of arbitrary segregation on you. It makes no sense and it’s not fair.

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