I know that I said that I’ve found peace with everything that has happened. However, I’m having one of those nights where I am really bugged by it all. It’s hard not to get angry sometimes about things that have occurred. I know that I’m better off having nothing to do with certain influences and people from my past. However, there are loose ends that one day I need to tie up for my own sanity. I’ve never been allowed closure because others have wanted what they wanted and their needs have always been seen as more valid that mine.
I can’t get closure in regards to my son’s adoption when my own Mother is always expressing her anger over it. Members of my family have told her that she isn’t helping me by going over the same things in conversations. It only lays the guilt on me because I blame myself for my son’s adoption because I couldn’t ‘lose my disability’. I know in reality I’d never get rid of my Autism part, however, I still carry that guilt because the reasons that he was taken and forcibly adopted was all due to my disability traits. I’m getting it more in the neck at the moment after I ended up in prison. I am basically told that I’m the lowest of the low by my own Mother because of the stigma that is carried from having been imprisoned. Even inside we were encouraged to turn our lives around more than the services and my family combined do on the outside. I liked that encouragement. I hate the negativity I have stepped into on the outside. I used to be a negative person, but now I’m not the same. I cannot stand the negative stigma out here now. It just annoys me so much.
I’m no longer a child. I have grown up a lot. I understand a lot more than people assume. I’m only slightly on the spectrum and maturity is making me see things that I haven’t previously. I’m not stupid. I know that I messed up and trusted people which were certainly not trustworthy. I know that I expected things that I hadn’t got a hope in hell’s chance of getting in certain situations now. I am still young and people seem to forget that I lacked experience of life because I haven’t been alive as long as others. I’m a bit backward for my age. I’ve learned from watching others and my own mistakes. I do not think there is a possibility of an A grade in life. We all fail miserably in areas, especially when we’re younger and no one older wants to admit that they were a screw up at earlier points in their life. I hold my hands up and teach others by my our flaws because that is my style. That is the only way I know how to teach others about Autism etc.
I get so tired of Autism stereotypical views. People assume that I will be a certain way and when I don’t act that way, then they accuse me of being something else. I am only slightly on the spectrum. I’m on the edge of the spectrum and the edge of neurotypical. I am really in the perfect position to bridge the gap between the Autistic Community and Neurotypical Community as I can see things from both perspectives. There are a lot of those undiagnosed on that part of the spectrum who just look awful at relationships and are loners by nature. In all honesty, I’d rather have never been diagnosed. The label has held me back in my eyes. I don’t want to be ‘normal’. I want to be ‘different’ as I like to stand out. I currently have multi coloured hair and my own style of clothes. I do not follow fashion… I’m completely my own being. My brain is really not that different if others bothered to get to know me properly. I’m a person of depth. The surface may be weird but underneath I have depth to me. Others don’t get to see that depth as the surface brings a bit of my different brain type out but not everything.