I started my life as an introvert, but I had to change for the following reasons.

I’ve decided to speak about this because a few people have told me I’m completely the opposite of an introvert online. Even those in my offline life say I’m not an introvert nowadays. When I started the blog only about 5 years ago, I was what could be described as introverted. I’m more shy than anything. I find it difficult to talk to others sometimes, not as hard as I previously did.

I’m no longer what some would describe as an introvert because I’ve had to learn to stick up for myself. After everything I went through, I had to answer back and speak out eventually because otherwise people start accusing me of being a person which I am not. I had no choice but to lose my introverted side. I could change the name of the blog but I haven’t come up with a better title for it yet. I admit that it is now quite misleading since I became more outspoken due to circumstances. If you have read Diary of A Painfully Shy Introvert from the beginning, then it really goes through that journey of being the quiet one that no one noticed out there unless it was for a negative reason. The one that was ignored and who had virtually no qualifications. It leads up to how I became the person that I am today. The one with qualifications (the ones I should have finished school with as a teenager) and who learned that she had to speak up about things. I worked hard to get the grades that I managed to achieved and spent a long time trying to get my voice heard about important issues.

Admittedly, ending up in prison did help ‘bring me out of my shell a bit’ because that is how I HAD to be in there. I got top marks in my performance on there as far as prisoner behaviour and cleanliness of cell. I worked so hard in there to be social. We got privileges long term throughout our sentence if we got a positive report every month. Most were closed conditions but had worked their way up to enhanced level (meaning they got a lot more privileges than the entry level (people like myself) prisoners. I’m sure that I’d never have got up to that level because I had such a short sentence, but it felt good getting that positive report shoved under my cell door. I did everything I was told to do. I never got a green IEP though because they don’t like giving them out. But, also on the positive side, I never got a red IEP and ended up on basic (no television etc) either. I think I would have benefited from a longer term sentence but I had my cats etc on the outside. I know that they’d have been given to a shelter if I’d have been away longer and I’d have lost my flat. It was just nice to have people telling you that you were good for a change, rather than bad. That helps me. I don’t like being told I’m an awful person for how my disability affects me. Compared to a lot of the prisoners, I was an angel in the way I lived my life.

I am used to not being taken seriously when I’m talking about important issues. The fact that I still look like a teenager in my early 30s is not helpful. I simply get looked at as a child by those a lot older than me. That is the negative aspect of looking young for my age. I may be a bit backward too, however, I’m not a child. I have important views which get ignored because of how I look. That is why I don’t think it matters if I put a load of colours in my hair. I look like a teenager anyway at 30, therefore I can get away with it. I would look older if I put weight on but I do not want to do that. I work hard to stay slim. I used to be able to stay slim without toning exercises, but age is changing my body. I know that I won’t be able to stay naturally this slim by the time I reach 40. I’m going to try my hardest but I most likely won’t be that lucky. I don’t think I’ll ever look my age because I’m a bit backward mentally.

I’m self confessed not very mature, better than I used to be, but got the mind of a teenager or someone early in their 20s. I am one person that can truly say age isn’t anything but a number. I sometimes physically feel a lot older because I get very tired and ache a lot (I have been to my GP about it and they just brush it off as depression but even on my medication I experience the same thing). I don’t like being tired all the time, achy and migrainey. It makes me unable to be as active as I’d like to be. I have to sleep for longer than a ‘normal’ person on my days off and it seems to be becoming more of an issue. I’ve felt stupidly tired for a long time and get aches in my lower back as well as some of my joints. I’m sure it’s just stress because all my tests at GP came back okay apart from the iron count being low (which means I’m anaemic). I’m not constantly low on iron though as it varies. However, I am constantly feeling worn out and it’s irritating me and when my joints ache it’s uncomfortable to even go for a walk. It feels like I have fluid in my joints. I’ve had to have my knee drained before because there was just too much fluid built up between my knee joints (it had swollen up twice the size of my other knee). I have clicky bones anyway but they don’t hurt. I click my bones and it sounds like it would hurt but it really doesn’t. 

7 thoughts on “I started my life as an introvert, but I had to change for the following reasons.

  1. I did wonder about the title! You could always call it, I dunno, Em’s Blog; but I guess this is it’s name, and being a diary, it’s how you were. I also think it’s a lot easier for some of us to be more assertive online with our thoughts, opinions and interactions: I guess it’s the real us, whereas sometimes in real life that shyness can tend to eclipse us wanting to have our say or just to be more gregarious.

    I’m glad you’ve managed to take something positive from your time inside. It’s to your credit that you’re being a lot more sanguine about it than I expect I would manage. The idea of spending more time in there is a bit of a scary one though!

    And looking younger is a blessing, speaking as someone nearly 20 years older! And perhaps some of it is about attitude; I dunno whether or not one’s emotional age is an ASD thing but I figure why “feel” older than we should? Life’s too short to be grown up. Well, in some ways, anyway.

    Like

    1. If I hadn’t got a successful appeal I’d probably still be in there if I didn’t get approved for tag. My release date was 25th October 2018.

      Like

      1. They’ve tagged you as well as all the other requirements? :/ Ouch. Still, it has to be a lot better than being inside: I still can’t imagine how that must’ve felt. Though you’ve taken something positive away from it, it must’ve still been pretty traumatic. I dunno, sometimes I wonder if that’s the right thing to say: it’s certainly how I would’ve taken it, but should I even take the risk of negating your positive outlook with something that isn’t? Either way, it would’ve sucked to most likely be stuck in there on your birthday instead of spending it with the cats!

        Like

      2. I suppose I just hadn’t expected it. May I ask how long that’s for? It seems a lot of stuff to be contending with, though still infinitely better than being inside; I wonder if all this stuff is necessary or if it’s an expedient means of getting (and keeping) you out of there without the appeals judge appearing too lenient.

        Bit of a drag, though. Even speaking as someone who is happy to not set foot outside the house for weeks on end, as soon as someone said I couldn’t do it I know I’d be itching to go out! And I guess you can’t risk it for any reason even if you realise at 6:50am you haven’t put the bin out and they’re due to collect it in 10 minutes… Presumably these things are actually waterproof, I mean they can’t expect you to not bathe for however long it is!

        The pain thing is a real bummer though. I get something similar and I’m not 100% convinced it is just age. If I ever find the answer I’ll let you know.

        Like

      3. I presume they’re waterproof. Say I was put on tag at 9 weeks and released. I would be on it until 13 weeks which would have been my initial release date.

        Like

      4. I guess you’ll have a chance to give it a soak test, then. God I’m hilarious. D: I wouldn’t put it past them to have a condition where it needs to be returned in pristine condition (which isn’t entirely unreasonable, assuming that’s the condition in which it arrived) but with the caveat “dissolves in water.”

        Like

Comments are closed.