I feel depressed today. I think I will have to go on anti depressants. I slept most of the day because I felt that tired. I did the things that needed doing and put the colours back in my hair (temporary Harley quin style). I’m waiting for it to process as I type this post. I just have no motivation to bleach the roots and tone it properly at the moment. I do want to stay blond but my hair needs a rest from bleaching otherwise it’s not going to grow longer. Temporary colour is not as chemically damaging. I am really not looking forward to my community payback placement. They don’t understand that staying in one place for 7 hours being unable to leave is extremely hard for a person with my condition. One of the managers is going to probably already guess anyway because they have a child with the same condition. They can’t bend the rules though as there is set conditions for unpaid work placements when it’s via a community order. It’s like if I’m depressed and wake up late. If I happen to get there ten minutes late then I’m sent home and it’s reported back to probation. I have to be there for 9 am.
I don’t want to fail at my 120 hours unpaid work. I can be somewhere for half 7 in the morning if I’m not depressed. However, at the moment it’s hard because I am trying so hard to not need medication for my depression. I have a new GP and it’s just hard to get an appointment nowadays. They don’t know me properly which makes medication issues ten times harder. I just want to get over things without the aid of medication. I don’t have clinical depression… mine is situational depression. Tablets just mask situational depression and doesn’t deal with the root cause. It just leaves it in your head constantly, which comes back as soon as you feel ready to come off medication. I’m just feeling so tired.
Something really odd happened to me today. I went for a short walk because it was raining and I weren’t really feeling up to a long walk. This blond boy walked next to me talking to me about something. I had my head phones in so I didn’t catch what he was saying and the rain wasn’t making things pleasant. I stopped to do my shoelaces up and he stood next to me. I then walked on and never saw him again. He was about the age my son would be. I never even thought of my son because my head was not in a great place today. I wasn’t really ‘present’. I was in my own world worrying about life in general. I could have just ignored my own son without realising it. If he was my son then now he probably thinks I’m cold because I didn’t really acknowledge him. If he takes after me though he’ll already been asking questions. I know that they placed him within the same area. If his adoptive parents don’t tell him things, then he will go looking himself if he doesn’t get answers. I was an adult-like asking why about everything around me. I was dreading the day my son became like that if he took after me. He will become aware of everything that I’d rather he not know yet because he’s never going to understand it. The things that I’ve been able to do since his age is something he won’t understand if he happens to have inherited it. He’s certainly going to know that he is adopted because he’ll just feel it. I’m very much doubtful that they’ve told him officially yet because he is only nearly 7.