Positive Thinking is starting to work wonders in my life.

I said the other day that the car would start and when I finally managed to get my keys through the post today, IT DID! I’ve sorted out a lot of things and feel a lot less up in the air now. I’m still waiting for my other things but my important valuables are now back with me. I did raise the issue of property being returned as an official complaint because releasing people without their stuff and not telling them the system of requesting the property to go to court with you (for first timers) is not good practice.

I raised it more as a concern, because if I hadn’t got a spare key at a relatives for my flat, then I would have been homeless or sleeping on relatives sofas. They shouldn’t be letting vulnerable adults out without access to their money and other essentials. I was able to borrow money from my relative, but not every vulnerable adult will have someone on the outside. And, some may resort to stealing which is also breaking the law, then end up back inside. They’re potentially creating a revolving door of regular inmates that are vulnerable coming back through their gates because they have to potentially break the law to survive. I met them inside. They’ve been in prison several times. They have various disabilities and went in and out of prison on sentences because they had nothing on the outside. They got out on tag and then get recalled for breaking the law in regards to stealing. It’s not helping those that have been sent down for stealing anyway. A lot of them have drug issues on top. Many of the inmates were on methadone to try to get them off of drugs. They leave prison and they end up on the hard gear again and then do something stupid and either end up dead or back in prison. Our system isn’t working in general, but I raised the concerns that the prison itself can address when releasing vulnerable adults.

I’m hoping that I’m going to get the rest of my things back because some of the other things were important too. Those £95 tinted glasses can’t get lost otherwise I will be taking action against them for losing such an expensive item. That, along with important paperwork is the main things I’m concerned about getting lost in the property stores within prison and not getting forwarded to me. I’m hoping my letter got to the inmate who helped me in there quite a lot. It may take longer than normal because I didn’t get her prison number as we thought that it would be video conference without me having to actually go to the court. She was going to come with me, but obviously when I got taken to the court for the appeal, plans changed.

I didn’t get away with not being punished. I still have a fine to pay starting in January that is going to be taken out of my benefits. I have to do 120 hours of unpaid work (community service) and 22 probation (rar) days which means I’ll have to go on courses etc again. Already broke due to benefit cuts. All this is going to cost me a fortune, so I feel that is just as much punishment as prison would have been. I didn’t get a lenient sentence for anyone who thinks otherwise. 

Medication issues :/

I was released without my anti depressants and now I’m really starting to feel it. I have a migraine and feel like I’m getting a cold (or hay fever). I’m not sure if the migraine is related for not having medication for a week now. I’ve tried to sort it out. However, things are never straight forward when transferring things over. For example: I’ve been told throughout the week that my valuables will arrive during the week and now it looks as though they aren’t arriving until tomorrow morning after they’ve been on their way to the post room since Tuesday. I’m a bit durr brained tonight so I do feel like I’m missing the anti depressants now. I literally can’t think in sentences and it’s very annoying.  I have a sore throat so it may be a cold rather than medication related. I am starting to feel depressed again because of not having them. It’s been stressful this week any way because of all the things I’ve tried to sort out. I feel like my brain is overflowing. There is way too much to organise.

I keep drinking water because I’m trying not to drink fizzy drinks or caffeine as much. I’m hoping that it helps sort whatever this illness seems to be. Sometimes drinking water can also get rid of headaches. It’s worked before. I feel quite run down because everything is up in the air. I’m sure it will straighten itself out once things are organised more and everything is back with me. I love how others tell you to ‘take it easy’. I have no time whatsoever to take it easy. If I don’t chase things up and try to sort things, certainly no one else is going to do it for me. I catch every cold going around and it lasts about a fortnight. I never catch any other kind of bug though. I’m quite healthy in general and I try to eat the right stuff so that I don’t get ill. I can be round other kinds of bugs and not catch it. But, cold’s are attracted to me like some kind of leach. I’m going to have to go now because my head is quite bad. 

Just dropping in tonight…. my comments on various things to do with the media after todays ‘Loose Women’ episode.

I am just dropping by tonight because I’m still quite disorganised and not feeling too great. I got released without my important things and medication (anti depressants). I ordered some more from the pharmacy but they weren’t set to arrive until Thursday (tomorrow). I’m hoping that my important things turn up in the post tomorrow as I was told they were on their way to the post room on Tuesday and would probably go out Wednesday. I’m hoping that by the end of the day I have most of my stuff back and medication sorted. I’m starting to feel quite down. so I know my body is missing my medication now. Hopefully, in a few days, I’ll be back in a more cheerful state.

I don’t feel settled yet and it doesn’t help when half of your things are in another part of the country (or maybe travelling down the country as we speak via currier). I’ll feel more settled once I know that all my property which is either important or expensive is back with me. I am trying to think that they will all be here by the end of the week and things will be okay. Nothing is going to get lost because I believe that it will all get to me tomorrow. I’m trying to change my luck, therefore I have to think positively so then it manifests and nothing goes wrong.

I have been quite busy all day but I did catch a clip of today’s loose women. I don’t think they behaved like responsible grown up women and it wasn’t at all comfortable to watch. I know for a fact that loose women is recorded in advance. It doesn’t go out live, therefore they could have cut that scene. We had a chance to go to watch it being filmed as part of the audience during our media production course. It’s not as live as they make out and that didn’t have to be aired.

I am well aware that there is a lot of bitching between celebrities and others involved in the media. But, does it really have to be that way? Why can’t we all just live in peace. I know the industry is competitive and real friends in the media are hard to find because of that aspect. Life screws us all. Do we really have to make it ten times worse by laying into each other? As human beings, we should be coming together to support one another, not pulling each other apart. If you want to really see a portrayal of the media industry, then you should watch Press starting on BBC 1 in September 2018. As far as the trailers I’ve seen about it, this programme is based on true aspects of the modern news room. The ruthlessness, undercutting to get the best story that goes on are things I really don’t like about the industry.

However, this is the reality of a lot of media related careers. Bitching and backstabbing come hand in hand. If you want to survive and thrive in that kind of career, then you have to become very thick skinned and absolutely ruthless. I was young and naïve when I started. I’ve had to learn the hard way, but it’s made me what I need to be in order to survive in that cut throat industry. The ability to not care what others think about you and not be affected by others opinions is a hard skill to master at first, especially when you’re young and vulnerable. I now don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I get on with my freelance work, blog and daily life without caring what the outside world thinks of me. They don’t know me personally, therefore their opinions and assumptions mean absolutely nothing. At the end of the day you have to learn to love yourself otherwise you won’t ever succeed. Your worth is not decided by others. You must decide that you are worthy of a great life and firmly believe that regardless of other people’s opinions. 

I need a few days break to sort things out. Life is rather ‘up in the air’ right now.

I’m off of the blog for a few days because I have a lot to sort out. I have some freelance work to complete. I’m trying to get my property back from various places. This is probably going to take me most of the week. I’m also very tired and will need a break in between everything. I literally haven’t stopped since I got released. I’m exhausted. It’s even more of a strain when you do not have a car to use because my keys aren’t with me right now. I could catch the bus but I’m limited on cash until I get my personal property back. I’ve had to borrow money until I’ve got everything sorted. Bus fare is quite expensive when you’re trying to make a certain amount of cash last the whole week. I can’t get my own cash out of the bank because I haven’t got my debit card or driving licence (which I use as ID if I lose my card or something).

It is quite a stressful time for me right now. I’m hoping that everything comes together but I’m getting really anxious that it won’t. I can’t fully relax until I know what is properly happening. Bank holiday falling when it did after I got out on appeal didn’t help when it came to getting my property sent back to me. I should have my mobile back either Tuesday or Wednesday. I will reply to anything on it by the end of the week. I will also be getting my other laptop back at the same time. If anyone has emailed my yahoo email then, for security reasons, I can only access it either my other laptop or mobile app. It’s due to yahoo’s new security system which requires a mobile phone to register a device as safe to pick up mail. It sends a code to the phone and matches it with your devices that you wish to use. It’s annoying when it comes to using public computers to try to check your email or others that you haven’t set up. I will try to answer any emails on my yahoo address by the end of this week. That email doesn’t get so busy with spam so it shouldn’t take long to go through that one.

I haven’t felt too great all day. I think I’ve pushed myself too hard already. I’m way too driven sometimes for my own good. It’s a positive trait to have unless you take it to extremes (which is what I have done the last couple of days). I am aware that it isn’t humanly possible to do everything that needs doing at once but, because I’m constantly thinking I have to catch up with life things, I feel like I should be doing what needs doing as quickly as possible. I feel responsible for everything and everyone because that is the type of person that I am. I take my responsibilities seriously, even though sometimes it may not seem like I do. I’m losing a lot of sleep over worrying about not getting things back from the prison which are important to me. I literally can’t do a lot until my valuables are sent to me. Even the things in my cell I really don’t want to get lost as my tinted glasses for my autism sensory issues were £95. I’m hoping that my property from my cell is bagged up somewhere safe because I also have important paperwork in there. I don’t want my private stuff getting lost either within the prison or post system. I may seem like the kind of person who doesn’t give a crap about privacy. However, I do. In this case I do because I’m desperately trying to keep the balance between my private and outside life here.

I don’t have a problem with people knowing publically that I have been imprisoned. I do not care what people assume due to that information. I have learned from my experience and will be trying not to put a foot wrong in the future. The experience has actually helped me in a way. It does act as a deterrent if you’re the kind of person that finds living that routine hell on earth. A few weeks in there, I found myself unable to think properly at times. I felt like a zombie that had to follow the crowd at specific times. I don’t like being around people much anyway because of my past. I didn’t go out socially in 2 years because I got too scared to be around others. I’m over that now because I was forced into that situation. I feel like I’ve overcome those issues just by being thrown in that environment. I had to verbally communicate and be around others whether I liked it or not. I feel bad for not saying bye as I left really early for court because the video link was cancelled due to our court not having the facilities. I wrote a letter but I never got anyone’s prison number so whether they ever get it or not. I put the wing number on it and their name. They said they’d write back so I guess I they didn’t get it if I hear nothing after a few weeks. Letters don’t always get passed on if you do not have the persons inmate number. I’m hoping that it gets passed on because it has the wing and name of the person on there.

Anyway, I have to go sort things out because no one is going to just hand me everything on a plate. I wanted to be a star as a teenager, no one came up to me and made me one. I could model but it’s hard to get into and I really don’t want to do some of the things I’ve already done because they aren’t morally right.

Life without a car is exhausting!

I walked 5 miles to a relatives for Sunday Lunch. I do still have my car, but I cannot use it because I’m still waiting for my property/valuables to be returned to me as they got signed into secure storage at the place I was imprisoned. Nothing moves during a bank holiday, so I have to wait for things to come back to me at a slower pace than it would normally if it was a normal week.

I’m hoping that the car starts when I do get my car keys back. I know that cars seize up after non use for a while, but my car has quite a new battery and the weather hasn’t been cold etc. It was in a private car park so it has been exposed to some elements from the weather over the 4 weeks it hasn’t been used. Someone taught me how to think positively to manifest things. Therefore, I am now thinking the car WILL start when I get my keys back. You have to actually believe in what you wish to manifest and I could never do that before I was taught how to do it in prison by another person into spiritual things. I firmly believed that I was getting out on my appeal date.

I was released that day. Albeit, the sentence was replaced with other requirements which involve working with probation and unpaid work etc. The main manifestation I wanted to make a reality was to be released from my prison sentence. I will do the requirements to make up for the things that I did because I deserved it. I was stupidly naïve and did things quite reckless. Even if I couldn’t see it at the time, it was reckless to others.

I’m now 8 stone 13lbs (56kg or 125lbs). I didn’t even try to lose weight. It’s just not having been allowed fizzy drinks for a month. I literally drank tea for the whole month throughout the day. We didn’t move a lot either and the food was fattening so it must have been not having that in my diet.