I’m not quite at the point where the Diazepam I’ve taken to so get some sleep is going to practically make me unable to spell or construct a sentence because it’s taken affect that much. However, my sentences may not make any sense but it’s what I am saying that counts, not the grammar or spelling. Nowadays, we can all rely on the good ole spell checker and grammar corrector that our word processing programmes do, so some mistakes I make due to the effects could be checked and changed.
I’m having to take something to put me to sleep because of all the trauma I’m still experiencing because of others actions. I honestly do not care if I upset anyone because I’m still living every day upset because of how others have treated me. Let’s face it, others picked on me because they knew that I was different and could use the reactions which my autism caused against me. I was honest enough to others about how it affected me to avoid negative experiences. They still happened because no one (especially in the system) listens to us ‘vulnerable adult’s. Vulnerable adult to them actually means non existence, we have no feelings and it doesn’t matter if our lives get destroyed.
I have lived a life of constant abuse since the day I came into this world. Even my own Mother didn’t really want me but felt pressured into having another child with my Father because he didn’t have any children. I NEVER had a proper childhood because of my Father having a progressive illness and later getting kicked out of school due to how things were psychologically affecting me. The only professionals who ever took an interest in me were bad news. They never wanted to help me. I was just something to abuse. And, because of their actions, I CAN’T bring myself to get into an intimate relationship with another person which means I will always be single and die alone. Every single person I’ve trusted in the system has actually made my life worse, they’ve never helped me.
As for the labels I’ve received. I only ever wanted a friend and would NEVER do some of the stunts that you hear on the news. I was picked on because they saw me as a weakling because of being diagnosed with a condition. I was easy pickings and as a teenager I was actually bullied by the police officer that got me labelled a criminal in the first place (and she works for the local CPS now, so can still bully me by proxy). Of course, no one believes us because of the labels we’ve been given. Those that are a nasty corrupt piece of work can easily cover their tracks and make everyone around the person see them a certain way.
I wish that I could physically fight or was streetwise because I’d make sure the bullies in society NEVER touched me again. I’m no longer standing for it though because all my life I have been bullied and discriminated against due to being different. I have been trolled on here by people who don’t even know me due to what they’ve ‘heard’. No one has EVER bothered to get to know me before making a permanent judgment about me and that is morally wrong. I’m not an awful person and if others made an effort to know me then they’d see that. I may seem open, but I’m actually not due to my past experiences. That doesn’t mean I have something to hide. I have worked as hard as others in life and actually have a folder full of many qualifications. All I want is to be given a chance in life and for people to work with my disability, rather than against it.
Those that let me down may not want to admit it to themselves but deep down inside they know that they failed me when I needed them the most. And, I’m talking about multiple people, before certain friends of someone go and tell them it’s aimed at them. I hope that one day I get an apology for being let down so many times. However, I don’t think that is ever going to be. But, one thing for sure is that I hope karma is going to hit those that destroyed aspects of my life like a speeding train. It will be the lessons that they need to learn after causing others harm. And to those people… Bibaxt, Gajendi baxt, Kris, Mandi Amria Tooti (Gypsy for I curse you with bad luck/fortune.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 