Anxiety is quite severe because the future intensely worries me. And, more financial issues cropped up.

I wasn’t going to come on here tonight because I wasn’t up to doing it. The financial difficulties due to the benefits now asking me to pay back the severe disability premium that I was no longer entitled to because PIP refused. They’re trying to accuse me of not telling them of my change of circumstances. That isn’t right. I wrote to my MP and he forwarded the news to them as soon as possible within a few weeks. They were the ones that continued to not review it and pay me that part for 5 months. I will be ringing them tomorrow (after psyching myself up because I find making phone calls difficult.

They’ve added a civil penalty on top which is basically legally inferring that I am dishonest. And, I will not let ANYONE get away with accusing me of being a liar or manipulation. That isn’t who I am. I do not care what people have assumed because they’ve not understood my Autism traits. I take that as a personal insult. They want over £500 back from me and I’m going to be telling them tomorrow that my payment offer will only be £5 a week. Legally, I am offering to pay, despite knowing that this mix up isn’t my fault and that I passed the information on but they did not review their records for 5 months (going by the dates stated in the letter). I’m not happy with all this stress. I had the tribunal centre acknowledge my PIP argument statement but still not got a date. I’m going to start ringing HMCTs to chase up a date because I am absolutely fed up now. They sent me a copy of my statement back informing me to add it to the tribunal bundle but gave me no idea of when I’m going to get a date. I am aware that you only get two weeks notice for a hearing in these tribunal cases but I’ve got other things that I need to do which are also quite important.

I need to be organised. I have written everything down that I am saying on the phone to the DWP tomorrow including all the important relevant dates to back my side up. Everything has to be documented that goes in and out of those organisations by law. Those dates will coincide and prove that I am telling the truth that they messed up and I did tell them of my PIP refusal asap via the local MP forwarding it to them in writing straight away. If I have to go to consult a legal advisor (if I can find one pro bono which I have enquired about ), I literally have every single relevant document as proof of how they’ve acted towards me so there is a paper trial that anyone legally qualified in the area of welfare can easily follow and pick out things which can be challenged.

The fact that I missed my exam due to not sleeping and getting up late is adding to that anxiety. Alongside, the fact that it made my Autism part of me really kick off and I’m afraid the place will tell me to leave. And, this is only because of what I’m used to. I’m trying to tell myself not to be scared about that due to them having been quite understanding already. I did a tarot card reading to put my mind at rest. It looks okay, so I need to learn to relax because I have explained why I went into an Autism meltdown and emailed the things I said. That is all I can do. I just have to shut up now and wait until the manager (who has rearranged things due to my circumstances previously) to come back from annual leave and rearrange the exam that I missed. If I worry about it, then that will set off my OCD emailing and meltdowns and I will definitely get myself kicked out.

It is so hard to keep settled right now because of everything that has happened and is currently happening. I can feel myself being constantly on edge because I’m frightened of things going wrong again. They’ve always gone pear shaped throughout my life. I have literally never had ‘good luck’. That is why I do not believe in a God. Especially, at times when I saw the news today, where there was a woman that lost her whole family in a tragic accident during a storm on a boat in the sea. I don’t buy any of that rubbish that religious groups say like ‘it’s God’s plan’. She now has to go home to her life alone after losing her whole family in that tragic accident. That’s not a plan, that is an act of cruelty (and sometimes I believe that what religion refers to as ‘God’ is actually the ‘Devil’. That is why I am Wiccan/Pagan. I believe in nature and what is around us. The energy around us is what controls our lives. That is why I literally did that spell the other night (where the candle exploded) to rid my life of negative energy. As an empath, that really drags me down, all I want is to find positivity and happiness in life. The negative energy/forces/spirits were obviously quite strong around me because of what they did to the candle. That doesn’t happen often unless you’re dealing with things that are truly evil surrounding you, whether it be energy, forces within your aura or spirits.

On a positive note, I can hopefully move forward on trying to get into work as I have made contact with the Manager of the project that helps ex offenders move on with their lives and find work. They’re going to ring me on Monday at some point. I can see that I’m going to be spending a lot of time on the phone tomorrow which will require me to psych myself up to be able to do it. Half of the time you’re not able to get hold of the DWP and I don’t want the other person to think I’m not interested if the calls happen to coincide together. I’m keep to move on with my life and sort loose ends out, which is my priority at this moment in time.

Thanks for the donations to my paypal.me/emmalucythomson as the money has been used to pay for private health care which I’m not getting on the NHS for my Autism. I would appreciate it if people kept donating small amounts because the tinted glasses were nearly £100 and the other thing that I am trying is quite expensive too. I’m also using the donations to buy medication which the NHS isn’t funding for me too. Please keep donating because it is really helping where I’ve been let down by the NHS.