It is obvious that none of you are actually listening to what I’m trying to say. And it’s like you’re all not even interested about keeping an open mind. You have a fixed point of view about who you ‘think I am’ and whatever I say seems to not change your opinion of me at all. I have suffered enough for my mistakes. I don’t deserve any more crap for them. None of you judging me has really got to know me. All you’ve heard is bits of my past and things that have happened. However, you have NO idea of the back story that led to what happened.
All I ever wanted was a friend! I was encouraged to write things down as a youngster if I couldn’t talk to the teachers. I didn’t like children of my own age. I preferred the company of adults even when I was tiny. Because of the political correct bullshit that happened over the years. I was always pushed away when I got attached to someone. I wasn’t fortunate enough to have a maternal Mother. She hasn’t got that type of ability and that is what I really needed to be moulded into anything useful. The only Autistics that seem to succeed and get seen as an inspiration or in a positive light is the ones with those parents that constantly advocate for them so that they can have a future.
That was NEVER my reality due to my Mother being the way that she is and my Father having a long term progressive illness. We aren’t all the same. I am open about my past and who I am as a person. I am teaching people NOT to be ashamed of who they are by using myself as an example. At the end of the day, my issues started from just wanting a friend and due to political correctness/rules and regulations, it weren’t ever seen like that. Professionals are far too concerned with getting into trouble due to guidelines they have to sign. I actually think these guidelines etc are making society seem more cruel to people like myself. I did innocent actions that resulted in me being punished. I was so sick of being punished for just wanting a friend/mother figure, that I did some terrible things in anger that I regret. I shouldn’t have to pay for those actions for the rest of my life.
I’m fed up of bullies coming onto me online and bringing up my past. I work extremely hard on self development nowadays. I used to have many meltdowns because things got too much and all the red tape made me angry inside. But, now I only have the occasional one. No one is perfect and I am a bit backward as far as maturity anyway. Can I just remind everyone that I was pushed over by a bully at school, had a head injury, got treated wrongly for epilepsy with medication that was way too strong? I’m only 30 years old and that damage will take a hell of a long time to repair, that is if it ever does. I can feel some improvements as I age but I don’t think I’ll ever have the thinking capacity much above a teenager.
I started this blog to educate the public about having comorbid conditions which revolve around mental illness, brain damage (whether it’s medication related like mine or otherwise), Autism and learning disabilities. I didn’t come on here to be abused. And the only reason that I reacted the way I did that got me into trouble was because I was abused to the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was punished for how I communicated, denied education and was extremely upset about it in all those cases. I’m not saying that they were the right things to do, but in an autistic distressed meltdown state, logical thinking just isn’t a thing that you do. I care passionately about others. I still have my same dream of working up to doctorate level to change the lives of future generations who grew up being misunderstood due to their conditions.
I do A LOT of positive things in the background, even in the foreground. However, others decide to just ignore those. I work 24/7 around my depression (all unpaid may I add) just to help others because our society is in such a mess. I’d appreciate it if people left my mistakes in the past and if I have an autistic meltdown moment, they see that as a ‘blip’ because I can’t get rid of my autism, learning disabilities and brain damage. That just isn’t possible. The fact that I can drive etc and have passed education has actually defied medical predicted odds already. And, I feel that just because I’ve done that, others turn it around on me by telling me I’m social delinquent who deserves punishing because I work so hard to overcome things I was told I wouldn’t be able to do due to my disability. As I’ve stated before, none of you know the full story of my life so please stop making assumptions on ‘facts’ that you do know. I was mistreated, I lost it but I went through a hell of a lot to get to those stages.
2 responses to “This is the last time I will explain what led to my ‘offending’ behaviour.”
I don’t know you and know nothing about your history other than what you’ve written here. But I admire your openness and do completely accept you as a fellow human being, on the spectrum, trying to get through this life as best as we can. We all struggle sometimes. Good luck Em.
Thanks. It’s just hard to try to get people to understand who do not think like myself. My openness goes against me…. no one should ask what I truly think…. it’s not a good idea.