I stayed in bed the whole day because I was unwell in the middle of the night and didn’t go back to sleep until 6am. That is my way of ‘hiding away’ when others are around during the day. I really felt rough last night. I have quite a messy flat and really need to get everything done next week before it raises my anxiety levels any further. I have a swollen eye (my lazy eye) and horrendous hay fever today. I woke up this morning a few hours after my stomach had played up with a streaming eye and nose. That happens every so often. I’m used to allergies as it’s become a part of my life. The worse part is when my hands get hives (happens when that yellow plant in the field flowers). Also, I cannot wear my nose stud when my nose is running like crazy. Luckily, as it has healed properly, I can still get it in the hole ever so often just to make sure that it stays open.
I had a really cheeky comment on one of my posts which I put in a group. I am going to take this opportunity to answer it because it was quite insulting to me. I’ve put a hell of a lot of work into shedding weight and I do not like insinuations that I am lazy. I may sleep all day when I am very depressed, but I work hard on everything I do. I use an app for exercises to tone my bust area, my abdominal area and my thighs. I may not do them during the day, but I do these exercises at least 3 times a week (every second day to be precise). And, when I felt up to it before my depression got worse, I used to walk two hours a day and on the days I’m okay (not many right now I must admit) I still do walk at least an hour a day. I take huge offence at being called lazy. I didn’t miss my exam the other day because of ‘laziness’. I missed it because I had a hell of a night revising and contending with PTSD nightmares, so by the time I woke up I realised that I’d never make it and had to text my tutor saying words to that affect. I got a call from them telling me that someone would be in touch about being able to do it in August. I felt terrible because I am not a tardy person. I do not believe in laziness and when I see someone being intentionally indolent, it is something that exasperates me profusely.
If I got the chance to work tomorrow, instead of being on benefits. Then this is exactly what I would do. I always wanted to be a Doctor from a young age (okay there was the Journalist idea too, but we all have several career aspirations as a youngster). I was told that I hadn’t got a hope in hells chance of becoming a Doctor for many years (this frustration added to my offending behaviours). I find an article today saying that many Doctors have criminal records and negative colourful pasts (I’ve posted the link on DOAPSI social network pages). I also want to teach as well and I’m not having anyone tell me that my mistakes (due to my disability aspects) is going to be a barrier to that either.
I now refuse to let people tell me I’ll never get my dreams due to my record. There are a lot of things I know which I have unofficially learned which can help sort out our system. There is far too much ‘going by the book’ nowadays and not enough use of ‘common sense’. This is why our system is in crisis. The financial issues don’t help, but we also don’t work together to problem solve anymore. There is too much red tape and bureaucracy. We need to start becoming more like humans again and less like robots trying to apply academic procedure to real life situations. Real life doesn’t work like that and we are all aware of this. It is just that others are far too scared to ‘rock the boat’.
Those people are normally those that are not the jobs worth’s in society. We are losing these types of people and ending up left with job’s worth’s because of all the red tape and bureaucracy which those just wanting a wage at the end of the day (not caring about the profession that they are actually in) are working by. I’m sorry if this offends anyone. However, this needs to be said because we are losing all the effective workers in the system who get things done positively for people and are being left with the unhelpful uncaring staff just looking for the system to pay them a wage. Most of those that ‘go by the book’ have absolutely no direct or indirect experience of the situations that they are working with. They’ve never experienced Mental Illness or had Autism etc. They’ve never grown up caring for a parent with a long term terminal illness which was progressive and are aware of the challenges first hand (I’ve experienced both of these things). It isn’t just a job, it is a vocation and there is always times when you’ll have to put in the extra hours (personally, I’d put as many as I was legally allowed to put in to help another) because the people you’re working with need the support right there and then.
As far as I’m concerned, my issues and things in my past should be seen as an asset. I know what is involved and how emotionally draining it can be. Those that go into that kind of career without any of the awareness above are actually going to be a liability, rather than any form of help to anyone. So, I’m no longer going to be put off by anyone putting me off of my goals in life. They’ve only added to my OCD problems because I used to take their opinions as facts. I have the knowledge, the commitment and the drive (when I’m not depressed) and that is all that I need to become the Doctor/Teacher type career that I wanted as a youngster. I made my mistakes but they will NOT be my anchor to stay stuck here.