Slept all day and never got the list of what I needed to do because it kept me awake all night. And, scam warnings when it comes to being a vulnerable person.

I didn’t get the sleep I needed last night because I was kept awake due many things which I should have sorted out today. I had an update of the victim compensation via letter yesterday and they’re telling me the deductions from my benefits (the little amount I actually get now) finish in August but then told me at the end that I would still owe £70. I am sure that isn’t right because the outstanding balance was £100 back in March when they’d realised they’d not taken it (due to a mix up on their end). It doesn’t equate and if there was any more fines added then I should have been informed. They have to have had a hearing to add any more fines and there haven’t been any which I was informed about. I haven’t been informed of anything, so that means they’ve done something illegal or seriously missed their administration system up again.

It’s completely wrong that I have to pay the compensation to the other side anyway when I was victimised first by the universities actions. Okay, at the time I shouldn’t have reacted in a meltdown but at that point I’d been through quite a lot before that happened. I cannot financially afford to keep paying towards that case. I could do with that £600 of court and victim fines returned because of my financial hole as no one will employ me with a record.

And , I was also planning to go to print out and fill out a form to join another GP surgery. Luckily, the phone interview (which will make me extremely anxious preparing myself) from a masters degree student conducting a study into autism and the criminal justice system for her dissertation for her criminology masters degree didn’t happen because of her schedule today.

I also left a message regarding rearranging my exam which I missed the other day. The woman at the reception said she’d passed the message on and I was assuming that someone would call me back today (and I know that no one has tried to call me). I was also told that I would be contacted by the end of the week by my tutor who has now gone on annual leave. I haven’t been. But, I have asked if my exam could be rearranged for earlier than August because if I go on to study GCSE (whether it’s over there or at another venue), I will need my results back and they take about 5 weeks to come back. I won’t be able to enrol on the GCSE level until I have those results back. There are 4 weeks in a month.

I’m going to have to get it rebooked for the end of July at the latest to get it back for the end of August. I need that 5 week window which I won’t get unless they let me do the resit earlier. The only thing I can really do if I don’t hear anything soon (as on Wednesday I was informed it would be the next few days) is become ‘annoying’ and ring the exam department on a daily basis until they organise something. I don’t want to appear as if I’m being difficult though as I’m trying to keep on everyone’s good side so I don’t get rejected again. I’m just trying to sort things out after my mental health issues (depression) got in the way of getting to my original exam. I didn’t miss it intentionally.

Sometimes you have to keep ringing up if you want anything nowadays. I had to ring up my energy company 3 times over a few weeks to actually get my top up card sent through the post. The first person I’d spoken to told me he was sending it by the end of that day. Rang up a week later and the next one told me to wait an extra day in case it came through post. I rang back later that week explaining to the woman on the other end of the phone that I hadn’t had the card and had been waiting a week. She actually put me on hold and went away to make sure the card was registered and sent it out while I was on the phone. I got the card in the post the next day. That took me 3 phone calls to get what I needed and was assured each time that things were in the process when they actually weren’t until the last attempt. The population of our country alone is just too much of a demand for all the places designed to provide services to people.

I also look like a complete mad crazy nutter now because I went into a meltdown and said some stupid things via email… like threatened to commit suicide unless their manager cancelled the person’s annual leave. It wasn’t even about them going away but everything that has build up and how annoyed I was at myself for missing my pre booked exam originally. I get angry at myself for getting depressed and having PTSD symptoms. It makes me feel absolutely stupid and pathetic. It doesn’t help that others see you as a crazy over emotional psychotic loser. Others have been through so much more than me and I’m affected by less. I feel like I do not have the right to be affected by the things that have happened in my life as severely as I actually am. I don’t believe in the mental health help system either because my time in a unit and residential care actually caused me more mental damage. I know that compared to how they are trying to revamp all the help and understanding, those times were known as the ‘dark ages’. I do really want my PTSD nightmares and anxieties to go because it’s affecting my life quite severely.

The worse thing that really bugs me to do with my disability is that people just pretend that I don’t exist and don’t want me around. I couldn’t help having meltdowns. I just want forgiveness and not to be left out. I know I’ve made mistakes and let my anger get the best of me, but I’m still young and I still have a hell of a lot to learn about life. I used to feel like I was so sure of how everything was in this world as a younger person. I now am unsure of absolutely everything because it’s such a mixed up world. And, if the outside world is so mixed up, then how are we going to stay mentally settled and unconfused. Those without a label of Autism etc find the world and it’s systems utterly confused. So what chance has someone like me got to navigate in this horrendous world. There is so much evil out there and you never know who to trust.

I’ve been duped so many times in life and generally treated like crap. Others wonder why I end up at meltdown point. I get thrown into court after being let down by the university and retaliating. I am ordered to a load of court fines and victim compensation which I paid off in full out of my savings because I felt awful for what I said during my meltdown. Meanwhile, I was getting told by online psychics telling me it would all work out and we’d be friends. That relieved me of the rest of my savings. I’m not ashamed to say what happened to me. I don’t want it happening to anyone else because now my benefits have been cut I’ve been left with nothing and may lose my home due to being unable to afford the rest.

Those psychics also made me have to use my rental deposit that I was suppose to return to the funds to pay the council back after using their prepayment card to fund these ‘psychic’ abusers. I feel stupid for believing them but at the time they were playing on what I wanted. They screwed me when my son was in the process of being adopted and when they knew I wanted to be friends with someone. It’s gone on so long because I was strung along. None of that had to happen or the pain been drawn out. I now have no hope in hell of being employable now because everyone assumes I’m something that I am not.

All I’ve ever wanted is a career and a family. Now my record is not going to be spent for so long that I’ll never be able to get a career. And, there isn’t a hope in hell’s chance that the system will ever let me have a family. I’m certainly not making a deal with them that they can diagnose me with any other mental illness and promise me as long as it is controlled then I’ll get a chance to have those things. I don’t trust that kind of deal after my experiences. People think I’m losing it mentally right now, but anyone would do with the things I have to contend with and with no support. I’m suppose to get support paid for under a section 117 aftercare but I get nothing and I have to sort everything myself.