I can’t do this much longer. And, I mean everything combined.

I cannot live on this little money any longer. I wrote to the DWP a few days ago to request that they consider to assess me for the support related group. They send me a letter today which was exactly the same as the last work related group break downed one. It’s like I’m totally being ignored. I’ve been currently waiting for a tribunal date since April. I sent my statement to the tribunal headquarters at HMCT’s in Birmingham to push the process on the PIP appeal at a faster pace. If I got that back and then dealt with the Employment and Support Allowance Support group system that would mean that I could at least afford to live and have full housing benefit reinstated from the council.

I desperately need my disability status back because I can feel the stress of them expecting me to ‘be normal’ building up and it’s making me mentally ill. I know that I most likely wouldn’t have missed my exam if I hadn’t been so stressed about my financial position. And, due to the person I liked being on annual leave when we are invited in to do resits, I won’t see them ever again either. Regardless whether the place ends up doing GCSE Maths next year, they do not teach it, therefore I definitely won’t see them again.

I’m fed up of life handing me curveballs. I’m not even responsible for half of them any longer. I used to be the one which launched the curveballs due to my naivety and anger at others for their ignorance and lack of understanding. It’s now handing me curveballs just to make things ten times harder being in my position. At this moment in time I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I’m just done. I can literally feel my legs wanting to fall from underneath me because I simply cannot contend with all this any more. I know that things may not seem so complex for a neurotypical person reading this, but to me it literally mixes my brain into malfunctioning circles.

If I’d have done the exam the other day (if I’d have got there on time rather than letting diazepam and depression mixed with lack of sleep getting the better of me), I’d feel a lot more relaxed because I’m now not sure when they’re going to rearrange the exam resits for those that missed it. I’m going to have some stranger ringing me up because the tutor is off on annual leave (which may I add apparently she hasn’t been any other year, so that is life screwing me again) and I’m not going to have the chance to say bye properly if the GCSE isn’t going to be done there next year. And, even if it is, I am not going to see the person again anyway. There is just no option to see them again which doesn’t make it look odd or inappropriate.

I’m going to have a horrendous summer and not be taking care of myself knowing that this is the case above. I know they need a break, but it would have been nice to see them when I went into my exam resit in August, but they won’t be there. I hate getting settled with others and then losing them, some of the time it’s my fault and others (like this time) it is circumstances. I really did want to open up to them too but now it won’t ever happen.

I can’t go anywhere to put my mind off of things because financially I cannot afford it. And, the place may ring me to let me know when the resits are on my home number. I did hand over my mobile number but no one seems to use it when they ring it from the reception office. I’ve been told to expect a call in the next few days but I get so anxious about talking on the phone. I already feel awful enough about missing the initial exam. And, as far as GCSE is concerned, it’s going to put me behind because it takes at least 5 weeks for them to be marked. Until I know I’ve passed that level, I can’t go up to the next level. I’ve literally never missed an exam before and I hate myself for not getting up in time or not making my chose to do the afternoon slot. I truly feel an utter failure.

The PTSD effects from things that have gone on seem to have really drilled themselves in to my head. I get woken up by nightmares. I see memories like they’re replaying in front of my eyes from my childhood when I’m in places locally to where I grew up. I get petrified of the smallest sound. I get so afraid when someone is too close behind me. I don’t like small dark enclosed spaces (from my times of being locked up in a police cell). The door buzzer gives me a panic attack because in my head it tells me it’s some kind of threat to my safety. I never suffered due to my past for all those years, and then suddenly it hits me like a brick wall out of no where after a series of more recent events. I can’t hide the fact that I’m constantly anxious and afraid of everything anymore. It’s getting so hard to not feel the pain. That is why I purchased the diazepam off of the internet. I need to just numb my brain for a bit to escape the pain. And now I have more pain to deal with because of the above bringing my abandonment issues to the forefront of my mind.

I am just wanting to feel secure and I am feeling extremely insecure due to my financial issues, inability to work (due to the mental state I’m currently in and my record) and also losing another person that I got on well with as this always happens and each time it causes me more emotional damage. I literally cried for 3 ish hours when I got the email telling me that news earlier. I can’t smile. I only cooked myself something to eat because I got really hungry. I’ve only eaten noodles the whole day, drank a pepsi, had a cup of tea and a glass of milk to take my diazepam with to get to sleep.

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