I am more tired than I have ever been in my entire life. I’m not even looking for attention. I’m being brutally honest and everyone who truly knows me will know that this is how I am. I don’t believe in beating about the bush when you can just say it. In all honesty, I have never felt this mentally worn out in my entire life. I have so much to do but all I want to do is stay in my bed. I literally slept all day and my brain just feels completely frazzled. I need to tidy the flat up and clean but I have no energy. I have no desire to eat anything. I only had an supermarket brand type magnum and that was only because I was so hot in this weather.
I have so much important things to do but my brain can’t function enough to think enough to do them. I have told others I was suppose to go to see tonight that I have a bug (I do that a lot so people must now think I am someone who has a very weak immune system). I’ve learned that being truthful about your mental health means that you end up totally alone and hated. I do feel like I have a bug but not in the physical sense. I just have no energy and my legs feel like they’re going to fall from under me. I also have a worrying visual thing that is causing me to see double ever so often. And, no I haven’t tried to drive my car like this because I’m not that stupid (despite assumptions).
I went for a walk but got extremely frightened so I went home again. I see others out there and all I can see is threats to me. They are all a potential threat to me. It’s like everyone is a potential demon that could hurt me. I feel people’s energies but that doesn’t matter now I am heading for a breakdown. The experiences that I’ve been through over takes whatever energy I may feel off of others. I think it’s energy floating around me that is causing me to feel this weak. I keep going dizzy and I have to lay down or sit down because my legs are just unable to hold me up for long. I have such negative heavy energy lingering around me because of how I’ve been treated. I can’t take it anymore. I am sensitive to everything. This is the way I’ve always been. I can’t settle anymore. I am feeling extremely ill and I don’t even want to think about any type of future.
All I’ve ever wanted is for people to understand my PDA type autism and work with it rather than making my life harder. I can’t do certain things and I shouldn’t be subjected to punishment for not having those abilities. Others have a go at me for how I put things, but I was kicked out of school, so I never got socialised or educated to be able to communicate ‘normally’. I only ever wanted a friend. I never chose to have brain damage (both due to injury and medication damage). I didn’t ask to be born with Autism/developmental issues or any of my learning disabilities.
I nearly took a whole box of diazepam today. I couldn’t take life anymore. The void I felt was too wide. I can’t take the pain of the things I continue to feel and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I hate myself and despise the life that I have. There is no way out of this hole because of things that have happened. I can’t stand another minute here and I’m building myself up to be brave enough to take my own life.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 